One

This morning has brought me such comfort.  We are waiting to go to our second opinion appointment for our son, and after picking up his radiology reports yesterday, we are nervous.  For the first time this morning, I am not angry at God for doing this, I am leaning on Him.  I've always been so quick to blame God for all of the bad things that were happening to me.  I was thankful for the good things, but I was so ready to place blame for the bad things.  I wondered so many times, why would He punish me this way.  I shunned Him, instead of welcomed Him, during my hard times.  This time is so much different.  I know I can lean on Him and He will be there for me.  An interesting thing happened this morning.  My son got dressed as usual, and then came to sit in my lap.  He is normally so consumed with getting ready and watching his morning cartoons.  He laid his head down on me and kept watching TV.  I snuggled him in and closed my eyes and prayed for the day.  As I started to pray, I could feel our heart beats become in sync with one another.  My heart was beating so hard.  I prayed for answers today and comfort and healing for my son.  Then, my son looked up at me, with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm not crying mommy, my eyes are just wet, ok?" and he laid his head back down on my shoulder.  I don't know what he was feeling at the time.  I pray some more for his comfort and for his mind to be at ease about all of this.  I'm sure he can sense the worry in us, but something told me it wasn't worry.  He eventually sat up and I asked him if he was ok.  He said yes.  I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.  He said no at first, but I told him he could tell me anything.  He said he didn't want to tell me.  I said ok, I didn't press.  I just told him that he could tell me anything he wanted to and know that he would always be safe with mommy.  He said ok.  The connection I felt with him this morning is like none I've ever felt before.  Maybe he felt that too.  Maybe he didn't know how to explain it.  I know for that brief moment, he was relying on my heartbeat.  I was relying on his.  We were one again for just a moment in time.  I know God is watching over us today and is preparing us for whatever news may come.  Good or bad, we are going to praise Him no matter what.  He has always gotten us through.

Redemption

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I've been busy with the start of school and such, but also because I've been spreading my words verbally rather than on paper (or computer).  I've found myself doing a lot of "counseling", if you will, or guiding, perhaps, or giving a fresh perspective maybe.  I've had several of my friends and family that have been in need of a listening ear and have been in need of an inspirational word almost daily.  I've been more than happy to be that for them.  It has been good for me too, to be there for someone in that way.  To be a solid, faith-based person for someone to lean on.  It has helped grow my faith tremendously.  Today my words for them have come back to me ten-fold.  I have never been more honored to call these people my family and friends.  Even those that are my friends, are my family.  Yesterday, we were hit kinda hard with our son's test results from his surgery over the summer.  It doesn't look like the surgery was successful and our hearts are heavy right now.  We are struggling with how we will handle telling him that he will have to have another surgery after he did so well and was so very brave the first time.  We told him that he would be fixed and now he is not.  He had to have his IV started 5 times yesterday.  They kept blowing the vein.  That was hard enough, when you prepare your child, who knows what it's like to get stuck over and over, that it's only going to be ONE time and then it will be over and then it blows, and it blows and it blows again and again.  He was such a trooper through the whole thing he even had the nurses tearing up.  He is an amazing kid.  When the testing started and we saw the results come up on the screen, our faces, I'm sure, said it all.  Nothing has changed.  We were there for hours trying to get a good read and hoping for something to miraculously appear on the x-ray, but nothing ever did.  So now we wait.  We wait for the doctor to tell us what to do next and hope that it is an easy fix.  I posted about it on facebook and your prayers started to pour in.  My heart was immediately full of all of the love you all were sending.  Again, such a wonderful feeling.  It was then that these dear close friends/family members of mine started to text me.  They started to text words of encouragement, words of praise, messages about God, prayers, anything that they saw that made them think of me, they sent.  It was what I had been doing for them all along and thought that maybe I was being a little overbearing.  I never realized how amazing it made someone feel to receive that much personal attention.  I have always felt loved by everyone around me, I don't mean it like that.  It was just these words, they were like my own reminders of how much Jesus loves me.  I was forgetting the words I had been giving out so freely to others and not using them for my own salvation. 

So this morning, these words could not have come at a more perfect time.  I had my own doctor's appointment this morning.  It was a two part appointment.  One part surgery scheduling, one part discussion of what happened the day I lost the twins.  I was more nervous than ever, knowing that I had been given a terrible blow yesterday with Ben's test results.  I was almost tempted to cancel my appointment altogether, but Jesus really has led me to this point and I needed to take His hand and allow Him to lead me.  I was fine this morning, until I got back to my room and being back there always makes me feel uncomfortable.  I've been given more bad news than good in those rooms and I just don't like being there.  I received the first of my texts from one of my friends and I began to cry.  I tried to hold it together because I didn't want to start out crying.  Then Jason text me.  I cried some more.  Then I text another friend.  After that, I decided to close my eyes and start to pray and speak to Jesus instead.  As I did, my feelings of the Holy Spirit came over me like they have before.  I've never experienced it outside of my home, but I was so grateful.  I knew I was where I was supposed to be and that I would get the answers I was meant to have.  My doctor came in and we talked about my surgery.  He gave me some new options to help me work around my schedule and difficulties with our son's surgery so that was great.  Then we started to talk about what happened that day I lost the twins.  His words were so incredibly healing, I can't begin to explain, but I'm going to try.  He led me through the day and while he explained how sick and delirious I was, he let me know that I made the decision long before I ever got sick that I would give my life for my children and that's what I did.  We discussed the risks, when my water first broke, that I would be risking my life to save one child.  He said that it was a very hard day for him, that he doesn't have to go through very often, but he does remember it well.  It was very hard for the nurses as well.  We talked about a lot of what happened and how I had no choice in the matter, but then something happened, which I wasn't expecting.  He asked me what brought all of this on and I told him that I had a hard time with it for a while but was ok, but then when my son got sick this year, it really hit a spot in my heart that made me revisit all those old feelings again.  I felt cheated.  I felt like I had already given my children to God, so why was He coming after this one too.  It wasn't right.  I said He can do what He wants to me, but stop messing with my kids.  And then my doctor started to cry.  I have been seeing this same doctor through all of my pain and suffering, through all of my joy and I have never once seen him cry.  He looked me straight in the eye and said "what you did for your babies was nothing short of heroic.  I don't mean to sound grand or whatever, but that's the only word I can think of.  You chose to give your life for your children and I never would have thought that God would have taken you to the brink of death, but He did and you did everything you possibly could to save them.  You need to know that."  He grabbed a Kleenex and wiped his tears.  I sat in shock as to what I just heard.  I stood up, as did he, and we hugged each other for what seemed like forever.  We sat back down and he looked at me and asked me if I was good.  I said yes.  He said ok, with a crooked smile.

Redemption......