God's Plan/The Mended Soul Project

I am more and more aware of God's plan for my life each and every day.  For the first time, I actually told someone that, looking back, I would not change a thing that has happened to me in my life time.  It was all God's will and I am thankful for each and every experience and the struggle or joy each experience has brought me.  I am so unbelievably thankful.  The part of my brain that used to rule my life is screaming at me, wondering how on earth I could be thankful for losing my daughters.  I actually don't know the answer to that.  My heart is brimming with emotion right now and it is so full of love.  Love for my Lord, my family, my friends.  God is placing people in my life, ever so gently, but perfectly at each and every step.  Never has my life flowed so freely, my ideas so fresh and vivid and perfect.  They are not mine, they are His.  He knows exactly what He wants me to be doing and I am finally taking notice and following His instructions.  I was worried after my hysterectomy that I would lose that connection I felt, with my womb being gone.  The connection is in my heart, I know, but just knowing that their final place on earth before dying was tucked away, safely in my womb, made me feel like I was losing a part of them somehow.  Now that it is gone, the pain it has caused me all these years has gone with it.  My heart has led me to begin a new ministry in remembrance of my girls and the other pregnancies that I lost, as well as all pregnancy, and infant loss and infertility.  It is called The Mended Soul Project.  What this ministry is all about is helping those that experience the loss of a pregnancy or newborn cope with all the things that are about to unfold in their life.  It will also offer guidance and support to those facing infertility.  My hope is that this community will come together to offer support to each other and allow others to know that they are not alone in their grief.  It will entail a website with information and links, but most importantly, it will provide information to women leaving the hospital after suffering a loss.  The one thing I have learned over the long years of infertility and loss is that hospitals don't care about the deceased.  Nor do they care very much about the family of the deceased.  I know there are certain protocols that are done when a baby is still born.  There is time to grieve with the baby, take pictures if wanted and such.  There is none of that with a miscarriage whether it be early or late in the pregnancy.  No one asks how you are feeling emotionally.  It is a common procedure to have a D&C or D&E.  Both procedures are horrific and invasive.  I have faced a D&C awake, in a doctors office, treated like I was an idiot.  I've also faced them under sedation in day surgery, but sent away with nothing.  I have also lost a late term pregnancy, where I stayed in the hospital for weeks because of illness, never once being asked if I needed a grievance counselor.  It is amazing to me, the lack of compassion from hospitals, who are so numb to it all.  The miscarriage rate is high, anywhere from 10 - 31% before 20 weeks.  What they don't take into consideration is that the second that test turns positive, it is a baby to us.  It doesn't matter if at that time it was a ball of cells, or if by the time we go to the doctor it shows as an empty sac or a small blob on the screen without a heartbeat.  Even harder is going through ultrasound after ultrasound, becoming attached to those babies, watching them turn from blobs to babies right before your eyes.  Once you can feel them inside, it becomes so much more than real.  When you lose them, you feel robbed, violated.  There is no medicine that can take that pain away.  There are no doctor's words that can explain it in a way that might make you feel better.  "It wasn't meant to be this time" or "it was probably deformed" doesn't make it ok.  What I am hoping is to provide women with the information they need to grieve properly and learn to accept what has happened to them and how it was not their fault, but in a relaxed, non-threatening environment, where they feel comfortable to read or even to write about their experiences. 

So that was the beginning of The Mended Soul Project.  Over the last few weeks things have grown exponentially!  I also wanted women to be prepared for the things that were about to happen to their bodies.  When we actually have a baby that we can bring home, we are given a multitude of free products.  Diaper bags, formula, diapers, wipes, coupons, food, deodorant, you name it.  We are left feeling equipped for the task of being a new parent.  When you lose your baby, you get nothing but a hospital bill.  That needs to change.  So much of what happens to you, after you carry full term, still occurs even after a loss.  After reaching a certain point in pregnancy, once you give birth, early or not, your body begins to lactate.  This is a cruel and unusual punishment for mother's who have just suffered a loss.  To have you milk come in, with no baby there to feed is so incredibly painful.  Then there are the phantom kicks.  If you were far enough, your uterus will still keep twitching and popping as though you can still feel your baby inside your body.  You will also most likely experience post-partum depression.  This hormonal driven depression, on top of the actual depression you are feeling because of the loss is tremendous.  There is a long list of other things that your body and mind go through, but those are the main problems and it is so awful to handle.  I thought of the idea of creating my own type of bag to give to those mother's.  Nothing fancy or extravagant, but something to equip them for what they are about to go through.  All the information necessary to help them grieve, packages of breast pads for when their milk does come in (especially since, if you have to buy them yourself, you'll be walking into the baby department, therefore triggering another emotional let down), a belly band, and something inspirational.  That is just the beginning.  I just truly believe that we need to be investing some time into these precious mother's lives and helping them cope with the loss of their child.  Life is so unfair at times and unless you have been through something so personal, you can't begin to know how to respond or help your friend in need. 

So like I said before, God has placed people directly in my path that are excited about this and willing to help in any way possible.  One of those women is someone who sells Thirty-one bags.  She and I are teaming up this month for a promotion of sorts.  You can purchase one or more of these bags to either provide to someone you know or for our stock.  For every 3rd bag sold, one will be purchased by the host.  She is also donating all of her profits to the fund to fill these bags.  I have personally contacted the brands of items I would like to place in the bags and hope to have some sort of donation from them.  I have been given permission to pass out the bags at several local hospitals, where I may be given access to their closet of samples they receive.  I am working on all of that as we speak.  I am also hosting a clothing sale on Instagram through a website that specifically hosts missions/ministries.  The sale will be coming up soon and I hope to raise enough money to fill the bags completely to be ready to go out to the first hospital by December 1.  We could really use all the help we can get!  There is a list of things that you can do to help if you'd like.  I would appreciate any input as to how you feel about the project itself and if you can add to the list of things that may have been helpful to you, if you have gone through this yourself.  Here are the areas you can help out:

1. Purchase a bag for donation when the sale begins.  Each bag will be only $10, with a little extra for embroidery.
2. Donate goods or money to pay for the goods to fill the bags.  The list of goods will be available soon.
3. Donate good quality used clothing to the clothing sale on Instagram to raise money for The Project.  This means going through your closets and finding the things you don't want any longer and rather than taking them to Goodwill, give them to Mended Soul.  I'm hoping to be able to provide a tax-deductible receipt to those donating.  Items we are looking for are trendy womens clothing, shoes and accessories.  I will come pick up all local items myself.  We also have pick-ups available in other areas, so please inquire.
4. Donate your time to assemble these bags.
5. If you have a story you'd like to share on the website about your experience, please email me so that we can arrange that.  If you have a blog and would like to link up to the blog page, please send me your link so that I may do that as well.
6. Most importantly, I ask for your prayers for this journey God has placed me on.  I know it is the right thing to do and will help so many struggling women out there. 

We all know someone who has been affected by miscarriage.  It could be you or your family or friends, but we all know someone.  It is a horrible thing to experience and I hope that you too will feel inspired to give/help/pray.  Please contact me at amendedsoul@gmail.com with any questions, comments or anything else.  Love and hugs to all of you!!!!  XOXO Michelle