Fear

I must be honest and say that I am scared to share my story with "the world".  I know it's not really "the world" but once it's out there, there is no taking it back.  Anyone can find it and read it.  Everyone will know my feelings, my struggles, my secrets.  I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should do this.  I'm getting encouragement and discouragement from all sides.  I know that everyone goes through hardships in their lives, some harder than others, so why am I so much different?  What makes my story any more "inspirational" or "encouraging" than the next?  Or will I become the "over-sharer" that everyone talks about wondering why they share such personal feelings with anyone willing to read it?  I'm confused and at stand still with myself for now.  Since adulthood, people have sort of gravitated toward me with their problems.  I'm not exactly sure why, but in every job I've had I was always known as "the counselor".  It didn't matter what the problem was, whether it was boy or girl trouble, job trouble, kid trouble, you name it, they were coming to me.  I never understood it.  Still to this day, even after I've been out of work for so long, I've seemed to somehow become the fixer of the family.  I can always see both sides of an argument and I guess people appreciate that.  Over the last couple of years, I've built some really strong bonds with some of my family, helping them through their problems.  I'm very frank and honest when needed, but also very sensitive.  I guess that why people talk to me so freely.  These people have always opened up to me and told me how they were feeling and I basically encouraged them through and helped them rationalize the situation until they could come to terms with it themselves.  The thing is, I was never opening up to them.  I have built these bonds, but it's a one way bond.  My friends and family have trusted me with their emotions and I have not given that trust back.  I've opened up some, with a select few, especially in the past year, but I have never just unleashed all of my pent up anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear.  Why?  These are people I trust, right?  I love them dearly.  Why would I be so afraid to open up?  I think I've figured it out.  There is a layer of emotion that we all have, that we all feel safe sharing, whether we share it with everyone on facebook or our one closest friend.  I think when we've tried to explain the deeper layers, we've been shocked by people's reactions or worried about what people might think.  I've heard many people tell me that they've written journals when they've gone through things, and if someone read them, they would think they were crazy.  The thing is, you are not crazy.  Every single person has those feelings.  We all hide them from each other like it is some big dark secret and think that we must be the only one in the whole world who has ever felt this way.  I have been scared and ashamed of my thoughts and feelings for so long now, that I can't see myself holding them in any longer.  If it means that you judge me, based on what you read, then that is fine.  I am willing to be judged.  If it means that you talk about me after you read this, then that is fine too, because maybe, just maybe, that conversation will stir something up inside of you that makes you want to share your secrets too.  And if it inspires you or touches you, then all I can say is I love you.  For you have heard me and my story and you have not judged, only listened.  If it helps you at all, even if it's only to understand me more, then I have accomplished something.  Because if you understand me, you will understand a lot of women out there, struggling with their inner voice and so afraid to share it.