Release

I have been awake most of the night, researching God, looking for other bloggers out there that may share my need for redemption.  I've found them in some of the most unique ways and I have found more than I ever thought possible.  I want to start this entry with a story about a friend of mine I recently met at my son's school.  She has a daughter in the same class as my son.  They had been going through this sort of love/hate relationship and, without knowing, each of us were giving the our children tips on how to help diffuse the situation between them.  She and I came together on field day.  We were the only two moms to show up and for the first time that year, we both spoke to each other.  I had been in a funk for over a year and had no desire to make new friends.  I had a hard enough time keeping up with the friends I already had.  We talked about our kids and how they "loved" each other at the age of 6 and laughed.  We quickly realized we had a few things in common, one included trouble conceiving.  We giggled about our similarities and led the kids outside to the playground.  While working our station, I asked her if she had any other children.  She said she had a 3 year old boy.  I laughed as I told her I had a three year old girl.  Then she said something that I will never forget.  She said she had two other children, but they were no longer with us.  I looked at her in shock.  I said, I also had two children that were no longer with us, twins.  She said she had twins too, boys.  I tell her mine were girls.  We start talking about them.  I start to tear up, because I NEVER talk about them, to anyone.  I tell her how it happened, she says she has a similar story, but what is the most amazing piece of the story is that I tell her it happened to me in 2004.  She says hers were also 2004, in March.  I say mine were in March too.  She says hers were March 21.  My heart sank.  I didn't know what to say.  I didn't even think I could speak to her anymore.  How could it be that we both lost our twins, the same exact day and here we were talking about it 9 years later.  We started to talk about our babies and how we hoped they held hands up to heaven.  Then I started to really think.  My son, loved her daughter.  They were the same age and he was determined to make her a part of his life, even at age 6.  Maybe her sons were taking care of my daughters in heaven.  Maybe they are forever playmates.  In the days that followed, we stayed on the phone, texting and talking about all of our similarities.  Her faith was stronger than mine, it seemed.  I envied that about her.  Over the next few weeks, we would create a friendship that will last a lifetime.  Meeting her has started this revolution in my brain.  It has made me believe God is still on my side.  So now I've spent all night following different people, for some reason or another, mostly on Instagram.  I didn't read much about any of them, just that they were strong in faith and I loved the pictures of their family.  So far this morning, two have posted pics with very long narratives about the struggles they are going through right now.  I didn't see that on their pics before.  Was God speaking to me through them?  I believe He is.  I was afraid to share this blog with the world, but I feel such an amazing release right now, that I my life has finally all come together and I can move forward without such sadness and hate in my heart for myself.  It's exhilarating!  I am wide awake and I haven't slept.  I could run 10 miles and I don't run, lol!  I want to join every church in the area, just to share my story.  I have signed up to volunteer at numerous children's homes and hospitals and at the Ronald McDonald House.  I am laying in bed with my sweet kids and am finally truly happy.  I am not afraid to be judged.  I have been released.