I wanted to share my first ever journal entries with you. The two journals that have started this whole crazy journey for me. They are from my son's caring bridge page when I was updating family, but I could never repeat, with the same intensity, the love and need I felt for the Lord those nights I wrote those posts.
Faith Restored
I was awakened tonight, for some reason, only to look over at my precious child and find him sleeping as I had left him. He hadn't moved an inch. Still sleeping ever so peacefully. As I lay here trying to go back to sleep, this feeling of complete calmness came over me for the first time since this whole ordeal has started. To be honest, it is the first time I've ever had this feeling. I keep typing things to say here but I keep deleting them, knowing what I should say, but afraid to say it. I am not what you call a "sharer". As evidence by my lack of facebook postings over the last few years or my lack of telling even my closest family or friends what I am feeling or that I am in need. But this experience has made me realize something and it has been so therapeutic in a way, but more than anything it has restored my faith in God and humanity. I feel compelled tonight to share a little bit of my story, because, if for some reason tonight, you are struggling with your faith in God, I wanted you to know that you are not alone, but He truly is listening and has a plan.
Jason and I have been married almost 18 years and we struggled to have children. But the worst was a little more than 9 years ago when we lost our twin girls at 20 weeks. We had twin to twin transfusion syndrome and one of the amniotic sacs broke. I stayed on bed rest for weeks hoping to make it far enough along to save them, but ending up going into septic shock and losing both girls and almost losing my own life. My kidneys almost shut down completely. I was in ICU for over 2 weeks and on IV meds for about 6 weeks total. Needless to say, I had completely lost all faith in God at that time. Why would He do something like this to me? What had I done to deserve such a punishment? This was pure torture. It drove me into a deep depression and soon I was unrecognizable to myself. It was testing our marriage as well, but after traveling overseas for work a few times, I decided to ask Jason to come with me to Australia. We had the best time and it was there that I decided that I wanted to try one last time to have a baby. If this didn't work, it wasn't meant to be for me. In an instant, I was pregnant with Benjamin. After all the miscarriages and the twins loss, I immediately went on bed rest. This would be a very long 9 months, but what I needed to do to have this child. I had lots of issues with preterm labor, which kept me in the hospital a lot, but Ben was strong and at 38 weeks was born. He was the most perfect of all children I had ever seen. We thanked God for giving us this child, but still I felt this disconnect with Him, this almost disgust for taking my girls. I still wanted them back. Having Ben was wonderful. It filled the hole in my heart that had been left empty for so long, but it also reminded me of what could have been with my girls. It was a battle in my head of happiness and sadness. He was truly the best child anyone could ask for. He is the most loving, caring, kind hearted boy in the world. I have never met a boy more selfless than he is. He is the child who gives up his brand new toy for the broken one to see another child smile. Or try to get another boy to like the girl he does, because she likes him and it makes him sad that that boy doesn't like her back. He has been giving his whole life. He never meets a stranger either. He has the best personality and will make instant friends with anyone. We can't go anywhere without seeing someone who says "Ben Weathers!" no matter their age! Kids of all ages at his elementary stand and talk to us for ages when we run into them at the store. Teachers of his become life long friends of mine. He is magnetic. My life is going well for a year or so, until 2008, when my Dad suffers his aortic dissection. My parents were separated at the time and things in my family were a little uneasy. We came so close to losing him that day and I can remember praying again for the first time in a long time on the long drive up to Dallas. He was in the hospital for so long and had a rough time, but made it through. He suffered a stroke and was left with some permanent damage. This further tested my faith in God. My Dad didn't deserve this. I flew home that morning and went straight to work. After being there for an hour or so, a sharp pain tore through my back and I could not move. I motioned to my office mate to get some help and next thing I know, paramedics are at my desk on the 13th floor to take me to the hospital. After tests were run, it was determined that I had degenerative disc disease and had a severely herniated disc that would require surgery. I opted not to have the surgery, but go the injection route, because Ben was so little. I found a great doctor, that actually helped me for about a year. During that time, Jason sweet talked me into having another baby and we were fortunate to get pregnant right away with our daughter Megan. My pregnancy was easier at first but after a fall at 21 weeks, I began dilating and ended up at 3 centimeters. I was crying again, begging God not to take this child too. I couldn't bare another loss. We did what was necessary to get her to 37 weeks and when she arrived, she was perfect. I enjoyed my time off with her, but at my 6 weeks off was ready to return to work when I received a call from my boss. I was being laid off. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I was able to spend so much time with our children, more than I ever thought. It wasn't long before my back was acting up again I was begging the doctor for surgery. I was crying every day. I could not dress my own kids in the morning. I couldn't believe that God was doing this to me. He had taken my children, given me these children, then robbed me of the joy of caring for them by riddling me with pain. How could He do this to me? By Christmas of 2010, my discs had collapsed and I was having surgery. We had Christmas early that year, because the kids were old enough not to know any better and I spent Christmas in the hospital. A lot of pain later, my back is in good shape. Still never 100%, but so much better. I feel good that I will be able to move on with my life and live normally finally. A few months of feeling half way decent go by when I start to have pain elsewhere and develop some female issues. I go to the doctor for tests and they can't figure out what is wrong. A tumor in the brain, precancerous cells in my uterus, endometreosis covering my entire abdominal cavity, and much more. Test after test after test I am put through again, then surgery after surgery. All only to figure out what is wrong not fix it. This is what is happening now. I couldn't believe God was testing me AGAIN! Haven't I proven that I am STRONG enough yet? Haven't I proven my worth? What more could He possibly want from me? Then all of this happened. My life was crushed. I can take ANYTHING God can throw at me. Anything. I am stronger than strong. I've had to be. But the gloves are off now that He was attacking my child. This wasn't fair. He was hitting me below the belt. I was so mad and had lost all of my faith completely. How could there possibly be a God who would do this me? Regardless of how I feel about God, one thing is for certain, I won't raise my kids without faith, so Ben has no idea that mine is wavering. His is as strong as ever. When he told Megan that day that God was in our hearts and he had a shield to protect us, that was the day, my faith began to turn around. I had already started this blog as a way to let our extended family know about what was happening, but I had yet to share it with everyone on social media. Ben was so thrilled to read all of the comments he was receiving, so that is when I decided what the heck, I'll post it. Boy did those prayers start flowing. Then when Ben wondered how many times God had heard his name that day, I literally went into the other room, got down on my knees, and prayed. I had never done this before in my entire life. I have prayed definitely, but I have never surrendered myself to prayer like this. I have never allowed prayer to rush over me like that. It was overwhelming, but also very necessary for me. Sharing that experience with all of you felt good. Hearing that all of you were praying for my baby felt great. Knowing that God really was hearing Ben's name over and over felt amazing. The power of prayer was starting to work it's magic. That night before surgery, I barely slept, but I thought a lot about our girls in heaven. I asked them to watch over their brother during his surgery and to please not let anything happen to them. I told them that I loved them and that I would talk to them more often. I had not done that in a long time because it caused me so much pain, but for the first time, I felt this joy and calmness. There was a forgiveness about it all almost, from me, from them, from God. Morning came and we headed into the hospital. Ben was in good spirits, as usual, and when our cousin showed up and prayed over him, the feeling I had grew even stronger. All of you prayed for us. You left us comments, you donated to our family, you've visited us, you've called to check on us, you've helped us out so much. The power of prayer is truly working it's magic. When we were released today, rather than Monday, I was a little nervous at first, but felt ok going home because I knew Ben would be more comfortable. So after waking and looking over at him, the first thought that popped into my head were my girls. I laid here and thanked them for watching over their brother and told them that I loved them dearly. That if I couldn't have them here with me, there was no better place for them than watching over us and protecting us from heaven. As I lay here thinking about things, it all starts to make sense. Everything that has happened to me has given me some experience to help me get through this time and to help my son get through this. I used my back surgery as an example to explain how surgery was to Ben and that everything would be ok. I used my experience with sepsis and kidney problems to make sure he got the care he needed. I used my persistence to figure out what the problem is to help diagnose him. I used my Dad's experience to be the first thing I shared on facebook in a long time opening the doors of communication for me. But finally, I gave my children to God so that they could watch over my son and protect him from harm. As I said, I can endure ANYTHING and I can. If it means that my child does not have to feel pain, I will do it. Well, right now Ben is sleeping. He was able to come home two days early and he is asleep in my bed. He hasn't moved. He's been sleeping for 9 hours straight. He is HEALING. And its all a part of God's plan. My faith has been restored.
A Mother's Love
You always hear everyone say how you won't understand what your mother has gone through until you become a mother yourself. And how true it is. You don't understand the joy a child brings, or the struggle of raising them wondering if you're doing the right thing, until you have your own. Once you become a mother, your bond with your own mother becomes that much stronger, as there is an instantly deeper connection and an understanding in her eyes that tells you she's been there too. All of us have called our mothers when we have questions or stories to tell about our babies. Whether its something funny, or its an emergency, they are always just a phone call away. My mother has been there for me through thick and thin. She has moved into our home to care for me at times, she has taken care of my children, she has stayed at the hospital countless hours, without complaint. I have always been grateful for her and her help. She helped us do what was necessary to bring our children into the world. There are no words that could ever express how grateful I am for that. I've always known that she's worried about me, but being an adult while all this has gone on, I guess I never stopped to think that I am still her child. While the last 13 years have been so very hard for me, these last few weeks have been the hardest of my life. To watch your child in this much pain is the ultimate torture. Even though you know it is necessary, it is so very hard. Last night I started to think about my mom and how she must have felt all these years. That even though I was going through all of that, she must have felt that she was being tortured as well, because she was having to helplessly watch it. I've worried that Ben will have such horrible memories of this time. I've only dwelled on the memories of my own for so long. And to think now, what my mother must have been going through all those years, just breaks my heart. I can't thank you enough Mom, for everything you've done for me. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you to the moon and back.
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