How it all began

My faith has replaced my sense of worry with confidence.  Confidence that He will always provide.  Confidence that He knows the way for me and I trust Him, no matter the choices He has made for my life.  It is a hard thing to do, give someone else ultimate control over your life.  Even though we feel like we have control, we do not.  Things are in motion from the minute we are born.  We do not have any control over what happens to us.  Sure, there are some choices we can make along the way that may slightly change the course, but all major milestones are carved in stone.  It's how we weave our life and choices into those milestones that makes us who we are as individuals.  I started out my life weaving my choices in and out as I pleased.  I felt I was smart and knew what was best for me and my life.  I left home at an early age and actually was married early too.  It caused a lot of trouble and struggle in my life, to leave my home with my parents and decide to do things for myself.  I moved across the country and started a life with my high school sweetheart.  I got pregnant for the first time at 22.  It was my first pregnancy and we (or I) really wanted to have a baby.  When I got pregnant so quickly, I was so happy.  I had cravings and morning sickness so badly, that I knew before I ever even took the test that I was pregnant.  I chose a doctor based on a friends recommendation and two days before my first appointment, I started to spot.  I didn't tell anyone, hoping that if I ignored it, it would go away.  We all hear of women who bleed their entire pregnancy.  Actually come to think of it, I've never met a woman who has, but I know we read about it online.  It may just be another way to get our hopes up that we are ok.  I wanted to be able to control the situation, but I couldn't.  My mother went with me to my first appointment and I should have been 10 weeks.  When the nurse couldn't hear a heartbeat, she brought the doctor in.  He was older, very set in his ways and apparently, had seen it all in his lifetime.  His first words to me were "yeah, don't think this one's gonna be good, let's get an ultrasound."  I was terrified.  I knew he was right, but he was so matter of fact about it.  I had an ultrasound and saw a perfect sac, with a baby that had "stopped growing" at 5 weeks....no heartbeat.  He says he was right, I start to cry and he looks at me like I'm some kind of idiot.  He says we should talk in his office to discuss options.  He tells me that I could wait out the miscarriage, in case I was wrong on my dates and come back in two weeks or go in for a D&C.  Of course, it was a no brainer for me, I'd wait.  What if there was a chance the baby was ok?  I wasn't giving that up.  Two weeks went by and I go back to the doctor.  I tell him that I had stopped bleeding.  He says maybe he was wrong.  Really?  He gives me another ultrasound and tells me instantly, "nope!  I was right!"  I wanted to crawl under the table and punch him right where it counts.  How could he not speak to me with any care or concern?  I decided I would go home and wait again, as I couldn't spend one more minute in that office with him to go ahead with a D&C.  Three days later, my body started to miscarry in the night.  I was actually in so much pain.  I cramped and "labored" in the bathroom all night and my husband took me to the doctor in the morning.  We were sent to the back room and I waited for the doctor to come and check me out.  He tells me there is still "some" left and he would just try to get it out.  I was 22, scared, naïve and upset.  I said ok, not realizing I was basically asking for an abortion on the table.  He brought out all his tools and began to work.  This was the first experience I had with loss.  I sat on the table as the doctor ripped out my insides.  My husband, 22 at the time as well, sat in the chair, white as a ghost, with his eyes wide open.  We were both in shock as to what was happening to me.  It hurt so bad.  I was crying in pain and grief and my doctor, finally getting fed up with hearing me, said "guess we won't be able to do this here.  Sign her up for a D&C to get the little bit left out" and he walked out the door.  This is how I was treated after losing my baby.  I was sent over to the hospital, drugged up, cleaned out and sent home.  Like it was nothing.  No words, no condolences, nothing.  A 22 year old, left to her own thoughts and forgotten.  I laid on my couch and cried for two weeks.  I couldn't bear to go back to work and face the people who knew I was pregnant.  What would I say to them?  How were the going to react?  I had a great job, in an HR department, with encouraging people, but I could not do it.  It was then that my wall went up and I never let it down.  That moment changed me forever and the doctor and nurses didn't even care.  I knew from then on, it was up to me to take care of myself.  I was not able to rely on anyone for comfort or knowledge.  No one could understand what I was going through.  Little did I know, that was only the beginning of my long journey.  Looking back, I wish I had someone or something there to comfort me in the way I needed.  I felt stupid and I didn't like that.  I was a smart girl.  I should have known better.  I really did not believe in God at that time.  He was so far from my mind and I did not have faith that what was happening was not my fault.  Satan used that experience to poison my brain with fear and hatred.  He had his grips on me and he was not letting go.  I was an easy target I suppose.  I knew everything (so I thought) and I was in control of my life.  We are the easiest for him to pick out.  He poisons your mind with self-preservation.  Never rely on God.  If He loved you, He wouldn't do this to you.  The doubt began to pour in and only grow.

Day 6 - Ministry and Missions

Day 6 {Ministry and Missions} Today I am so thankful for the ministry that God has placed on my heart. Helping women cope with miscarriage/infant loss has become so much more than I could have possibly imagined.  His word is true that my Trials are becoming Triumphs. My years of suffering have a purpose and it is far greater than writing. So much is unfolding each and every day. He has placed me perfectly in this time and is ready for me to take my part and do His will. I am so grateful for His guiding hand. Hebrews 13:21 Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

 

 

 

 

Day 5 - Pray Every Day

Pray Every Day - this is my prayer to The Lord each and every day. Psalm 25
Lord, I put my life in your hands. I trust in you, my God, and I will not be disappointed. My enemies will not laugh at me. No one who trusts in you will be d...isappointed. But disappointment will come to those who try to deceive others. They will get nothing. Lord, help me learn your ways. Show me how you want me to live. Guide me and teach me your truths. You are my God, my Savior. You are the one I have been waiting for. Remember to be kind to me, Lord. Show me the tender love that you have always had. Don’t remember the sinful things I did when I was young. Because you are good, Lord, remember me with your faithful love. The Lord is good and does what is right. He shows sinners the right way to live. He teaches his ways to humble people. He leads them with fairness. The Lord is kind and true to those who obey what he said in his agreement. Lord, I have done many wrong things. But I ask you to forgive them all to show your goodness. When people choose to follow the Lord, he shows them the best way to live. They will enjoy good things, and their children will get the land God promised. The Lord tells his secrets to his followers. He teaches them about his agreement. I always look to the Lord for help. Only he can free me from my troubles. I am hurt and lonely. Turn to me, and show me mercy. Free me from my troubles. Help me solve my problems. Look at my trials and troubles. Forgive me for all the sins I have done. Look at all the enemies I have. They hate me and want to hurt me. Protect me! Save me from them! I come to you for protection, so don’t let me be disappointed. You are good and do what is right. I trust you to protect me. God, save the people of Israel from all their enemies.

Day 4 {my son}

Day 4 {my son}
Missed day fives post yesterday because things were busy. My son had a school program that went late and the kids were wired afterward! He was the most animated and amazing little performer! I was so proud of him. The Lord ...blessed me with this boy 7 years ago and though he doesn't realize it, he is my life saver. He truly pulled me from the depths of despair and he hasn't let go of me since. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this boy. When I think of the love I have for him, and I think that God gave his only son to save us from our sins, it really makes it that much more real, God's love. His pain must have been so unbearable to have to watch His only son be crucified. His love for us, His children, His creation, is ever lasting. John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/10957239/?claim=47vdyu9qkm7">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Day 3 ~ Passion

The Lord has set my heart on fire!  Since that amazing day in July, my heart has been brimming with emotion, my brain is flooded with ideas.  Over the course of these last few weeks, I've researched, and become parts of groups that are on fire themselves.  God is working on us near and far to bring us all together and allow us to use our specific gifts together as one.  I have never been so inspired by the things in my own mind, full well knowing that He placed them there.  He is leading me to things I had no idea were out there.  It took a few weeks to hone in on what exactly my purpose was, but the funny thing is, He laid it out to me the moment He first spoke.  I was just so overwhelmed by all of the other things going on as well, that I wasn't sure which direction I was being pulled in.  This passion is so meaningful to me and suits me so well.  It combines all of the actual gifts I have as a person, with all of the spiritual gifts I'm being given each day.  I have never been so excited to work on something in all of my life.  My devotion to him today is that I truly thank Him for blessing me with the gifts of realizing my life's purpose.  All of the heart ache and pain and suffering I've been through have prepared me for the moment I am in right here and now.  I trust that no matter what, He will provide for me and help me and He will not lead me astray.  Each one of us is blessed with spiritual gifts, whether known or unknown to us.  Our purpose is to listen to His word and hear His calling for us, accept it and act on it.  I pray this for you today and everyday and I pray that you will ask Christ to fill your heart with His love and grace.

Psalm 17:1-3
~Hear the right, O Lord, attend to my cry, give ear unto my prayer, that goeth not out of feigned lips.
~Let my sentence come forth from thy presence; let thine eyes behold the things that are equal.
~Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night; thou hast tried me and shalt find nothing; I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress

Day 2 ~ Love

Day 2

Love

I think we all face adversity when talking about our faith, but never more so than when it is something new to our normal selves.  Our friends and family are taken aback by our transformation.  It is overwhelming, but so wonderful, the feeling that Christ's love gives you.  He has filled my heart with such love and acceptance and has given me such an understanding of life that I can't help but share it.  While this is so unnatural for me, and I'm sure for a lot of you who are feeling the same thing, it is the only thing that I am sure of each day.  I must spread the joy and peace and everlasting love that Christ has bestowed upon me with anyone who is willing to listen.  It is my prayer every day and every night, that He shows you the same love and He fills your heart as He has filled mine.  I want this for all of you.  It is an amazing feeling, indescribable almost.  He has called upon me to share this with you.  My hope is that my love for you is enough that you will consider turning to Him and asking for Him to shower you with His grace.  This love is unlike any other that I have felt before.  He is first is my life.  I place Him above all others.  He has called upon my heart to carry out a specific mission for women who have faced a miscarriage, still born or infant loss.  It is the most important thing I have ever done in my 37 years on this Earth.  It is the constant thought in my head and it is all driven by love.  From yesterday's post, if all you do is take 15 seconds today to pray, pray that Christ will fill your heart with His love and grace. 

Galatians 2:20

 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

31 Days of Devotion

I've decided that, in celebration of my approaching birthday, I am going to dedicate time to writing to God each day.  I have neglected my blog a bit in the last few weeks because of so much going on, but writing really is a safe haven for me.  It is a way for me become closer to God as well, because most of the time I start out writing something and my fingers go faster than my mind and before I know it, I've learned something new.  I believe it's His way of teaching me.  I read my devotional every day and in the beginning of my journey, it was as though every day was written specifically for me.  I could not believe how perfect they were for me.  I want people to feel the same encouragement I felt and feel that Christ is speaking to them through my writing, because He is.  This is something He has laid on my heart and I know it is for a reason. 

Day 1

Prayer
Prayer is such a powerful thing.  It can be personal and private or it can be shared and celebrated.  It can be done in so many ways.  So many think that by praying, they must know "how" to talk to Christ.  He wants you to know that He is your friend, your confidant, your family member.  He will listen to you no matter your words.  There is no perfect way to pray.  You don't have to pray out loud, you don't have to kneel or bow your head or clasp your hands together.  The only thing you must do is BELIEVE and speak.  Speak your thoughts in your mind.  He will hear them.  Pray for your family, your friends, but most of all pray for yourself.  Pray for His love and grace to fill your heart each and every day.  While it might be tempting to pray for things like money or success or a promotion, etc, learn to pray for His infinite wisdom in guiding your life.  Trust His plan for you and realize that it is far greater than what is happening right here and now.  Pray when you are happy and pray when you are sad, but most of all pray when you are scared.  He is our protector.  Our life belongs to Him.  He will comfort you in your time of need.  Always remember that.  I am not an expert on Christ or the Bible and I do not pretend to be.  What I do know is that the love I feel for Him is far greater than any love I have ever felt before.  The trust I have in Him is so strong that I would allow anything to happen in my life because I know He has a plan for me.  Maybe you pray every day, maybe you pray once in a while or maybe you've never prayed before in your life.  Promise me this, some time today when your mind wanders back to this post, close your eyes and pray.  Even if it's for only 15 seconds.  If all you have time for is one sentence, pray to Christ to fill your heart with His love and grace each and every day.  Do this with me every day.  I promise, it will change you.

Trust and Rejoice

As these days go by, I increasingly become more aware of the Lord's hand in my life.  I have truly given Him my heart and soul and He has taken it from me with care and kindness and done something truly amazing with it.  He is giving it back to me piece by piece as it is mending.  My worries are no longer worries, as I know He has ultimate control over everything.  My day is lived in joy and happiness, rather than anger and resentment as I know His plan is far greater than anything I could have ever dreamt.  The things I have been through, the tragedy I have seen have all been a part of what has led me closest to Him.  He relishes in those times where He sees the darkest parts of our being.  It is there, that we are most desperate.  My experiences are much like everyone else's.  The story or circumstances may not be the same, but the feelings are all the same.  Whether your pain is caused by infertility, death, divorce, infidelity, financial struggles, insecurities, weight issues, etc., we all share such a similar feeling.  Most of us think that a person couldn't possibly understand what we are going through unless they have lived that particular experience themselves.  I know I certainly thought that.  I thought no one could possibly understand what it was like to lose a child in the manner I lost mine and know the feelings I've felt.  But God has taught me that that is simply not true.  All of us, every one, has suffered heart ache and misery in our life time.  When we sit back and think about our feelings, our true feelings they are almost all the same.  We all have experienced loss, pain, rejection, insecurity, feeling like we will never be good enough, wondering what we did to deserve this.  Every person I have spoken to since writing this blog that has talked in depth with me about their feelings has given me the knowledge and courage to say that we are all the same.  We are all God's children.  I am here to tell you that God wants you to talk to Him about how much you hurt.  He already knows it, but He wants to hear it from your lips.  He will help you.  You only have to reach out your hand and take His and He will lead you down the path of peace and salvation.  Our lives are not perfect and they are wrought with tragedy and heartache, but when we look to God first, we will find out that His plan is perfect.  We must trust in Him. 

Psalms 13: 1-6
~How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
~How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
~Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
~Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him: and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved
~But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
~I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me.