Calm

A feeling of calmness has come over me today.  After writing this morning's journal, I could sense a difference in my being.  I felt compelled to email my nurse again to tell her that she didn't need to respond to me.  I believed I found the answers I seeked and I felt as though I had placed a burden on her.  I wanted to release her from that burden.  I knew in my heart that she could not fulfill my need for answers.  God had done that for me.  I sent her a quick note, saying that I really felt that God had a plan for me and I would like her to read my blog, so that she would understand why I emailed her in the first place.  I told her that I wanted her to know that she played a huge part in one of the defining moments of my life and I thanked her for that.  Then I sent it and all at once I knew I had done what God wanted me to do.  It wasn't a little while later that I received an email from her, apologizing for taking so long to get back with me.  She said she had read the blog over and over and over and it was so hard to tell me what she was about to tell me.  She couldn't tell me the details of that day, because she still worked at the hospital and she feared that she would lose her job.  She urged me to speak with my doctor and to look through my files and said I would certainly find the answers to the questions I seek in there.  She also asked me to please know that her job that day was to help save my life.  All of her memories involve me and me alone.  She wanted to be honest and say that I was right and my husband was right.  I would have died, there was no question in her mind.  She thanked me for saying what an impact she made on me, and said that she always thought that we were the ones to make the impact on her.  She said she needed to end the email and send it before she chickened out and rewrote it for a tenth time.  I knew, reading that, that God had given me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.  And I was ok with that.  I am ok with all of it actually.  I don't think I valued my own life enough for all of these years to feel that it was as important as that of my childs.  But as I sit here and type, I have to wonder, were my parents praying the same prayers.  Please spare my child Lord.  Do not let her die.  We are all someone's child.  I can only imagine the desperate cries from my own mother that day.  In her mind, she was losing her baby.  I am ok.  I can only imagine what my husband must have been praying.  Please take me instead of her Lord.  It is the same prayer I would pray if the roles were reversed.  Let her pain be my pain Lord.  The experience we went through as a family has rocked us to our very cores.  It has broken us as a family, and as Christians over the years.  Not one of us has understood what the other went through that day.  The great grieving of loss and desperatation of saving a life.  We were all fighting a battle.  I may have been the sick one, but we were all fighting this battle to survive, to just stay strong enough to make it through.   I only wish I had then, the Lord's love in my heart as I do now.  I wish I could have fallen back on prayer and really trusted His plan for me.  I wish I would have had faith.  The beauty in all of this tragedy is that He is not going to waste one ounce of my grief.  He has given me a platform to speak and to help others with their pain.  I have gone through some of the hardest things in my life and I am grateful for those experiences now.  They have molded me into the strong, compassionate, empathetic woman I am today.  He will not waste the lives of my precious girls.  They will live on in this story and be an inspiration to other women out there going through this same grief.  I am so thankful for the 5 months He gave me with them.  The first true feelings of motherhood I ever felt and the love that is everlasting, even in death.  As I write, I know that I have the option of still talking with my doctor about all of this and as I write, I'm not sure that I need to.  I believe I have the answers I was seeking out.  I have walked through the fire of tragedy and relived a horrible experience and existence, but I have come out renewed.  I trust that what ever He wants me to do, is where I will be led and I am 100% ok with that.  In His most precious name, AMEN.