Forgiveness

Yesterday was a struggle for me, both good and bad.  After writing my journal entry, something came over me and I felt as though I was having an anxiety attack.  My heart was racing and pounding out of my chest.  It hurt.  I couldn't wrap my head around all that was happening to me.  I was overwhelmed.  I felt the need to text my dear friend that I told you about before.  The one I refer to in all aspects of religion.  I asked her to please read my blog, that I was overwhelmed and I was feeling the need to go up to the church to talk to someone about what was going on.  She text back and said she'd read it and call me.  My phone rang about 5 or 10 minutes later and she started to speak.  She instantly told me to go to Ephesians 6:10 and put on my armor of God.  She told me that she and her kids do this every day.  She actually gave me the kid version over the phone of what they say each morning and how she needed to put her breast plate on first, because her heart is her weak point.  Her son needed his helmet, because his mind was his weak point.  I knew right then to put my helmet on and I did.  We spoke about what to do about going to the church.  She suggested I call to make an appointment with the prayer minister and if she wasn't available, to give them a little bit about what was going on and let God put who is necessary to me in my life.  I called and left a message on the secretary's voicemail, to please have her return my call and gave her a little bit about what was going on.  I went to lunch with my mom and the kids and had a great time.  My mom and I laughed so hard we felt silly.  I don't remember laughing that hard or being that silly in a long time.  It was great.  We headed home and as we talked she said she wanted to look at something at Home Depot, so we turned around and headed back the direction from which we came.  We went in and I told her I wanted to redo a desk to go in my bedroom so we looked at stuff to do that.  During that time looking at paint and liquid sand paper, a thought entered my mind out of the blue.  My heart began to race again and I instantly pulled out my phone to text my friend.  I said, "I think that J told them we didn't want to see the babies" and hit send.  I text again saying the thought just entered my mind in an instant, but I couldn't shake it.  I knew it was true.  The more I thought about it, the stronger the feeling got.  She text back, saying I should pray about it, but that maybe he was the one who would unlock all of the answers I seek.  She said that this is one of the arrows she was talking about and I should listen.  I told her that I wasn't sure if J would tell me or not.  I was so upset the other night when we tried to talk and he was so upset with me about why I was doing this to myself.  I couldn't make him understand that I had to.  It was necessary.  God was leading me through this and there was nothing that could stop it.  She said she remembered how hard it was for him during that time and the phone calls to he made to her husband were so difficult.  She said she would ask him if he remembered anything that happened those first few days that may help me shed some light on this.  I said ok.  I started to instantly pray about how to approach my husband about what happened.  I wasn't sure if I should say something to my mom, but I finally did when we got back in the car.  When I was in the ICU, I remember my mom being in the room with me all of the time.  J stayed in the waiting room a lot with his family and a few of our close friends.  We weren't allowed to have very many back at once.  I insisted on no visitors, other than those who had to be there.  My husband, mother and mother-in-law, but truth be told, I didn't want anyone.  Everyone wanted to come up to see me in my hour of need and I sent them all away.  I couldn't bear the look of disappointment and sadness on their faces as they walked into my room.  It was all I could do to handle it myself.  I told my mom that I thought they asked J if we wanted to see them and she said there was no way.  She would have remembered.  I reminded her that she was always with me and he was out in the lobby a lot with a lot of time to be approached, without her knowing.  She sat in silence.  She didn't say another word about it.  The conversation quickly changed, because of the kids in the back seat and we went home.  She didn't come in, she went directly home, which wasn't like her.  I came in and immediately looked up Ephesians 6:10.  I needed my armor.  As I did, my friend text me that God will carry me through this.  I told her I needed to find some books that I could go to besides the Bible for comfort, since the only other religious book I had was my devotional.  I had already read that days and it was right.  It was though God was speaking directly to me through the devotional.  I needed something else to read to help me soak in more of Him.  My friend said she would be right over with books, but I offered to come there instead.  She said she had a library so I would be able to see everything.  We left right away and got there in a few minutes.  The kids were excited to be there, since they had never been before.  Her children scooped mine up and took them off into their rooms to play while we talked.  We couldn't get much said before my phone rang.  It was the church.  I quickly answered and it was the prayer minister on the other end.  She apologized for not getting back sooner and I said it was fine.  She wanted to just talk over the phone, because it was already so late in the day.  This was perfect.  I was with my dear friend, who would help me through the conversation and I could get all of this out right away.  I started to tell her everything that has gone on.  About how I feel called by God for some special purpose.  I told her my heart was overwhelmed.  I cried, but the words flowed out as they do onto this page.  I told her that I was anxious and that I was a cerebral person and I was scared to be led my heart not my head.  I told her what I thought was the truth about the babies.  I told her everything.  She couldn't believe what she was hearing.  She started to tell me that I was on the right path.  The path to His Glory and that His love was overwhelming.  She was glad I was open to it all.  She said it seemed as though I had been baptised.  I told her I actually wrote those words on my journal.  I felt as though I was given my own personal baptism.  She just kept saying wow.  She had words of encouragement, but then asked if she could pray over me.  I of course, said yes.  Her words flowed, and at first were the beginnings of a lot of prayer, with scriptures and such, but then it was as though He took over what she was saying and she began to just talk like normal, but faster than she could get it all out.  She asked Him to guide me and help me as she thought I would be speaking to the masses about this story.  I layed my head in my hand as tears rolled down my face.  She started to speak of all the people He would lead me to to help.  Those who've lost children and faced infertility yes, but so, so much more.  I cried and cried.  She prayed for a long time over my husband and my kids and my extended family and then finally slowed down and wrapped up with amen.  I echoed the same words and right then, she told me that she loved me.  She said I do not know you, but I love you.  I love you deeply already.  I left my friends with a few books and came home.  I was overwhelmed by it all and as J got home, I could see he was tired.  We left to run errands and things were ok, but by the time we got home, we were arguing a bit.  We went to our respective corners of the house, like boxers in a match when the round is up.  I started to pray right then.  I knew why I was upset.  I wanted to know if he was the reason I did not get to see my babies.  I didn't know how I was going to ask him.  My friend had given me Heaven is for Real to read, so I started and I couldn't put it down.  It was my story written by someone else.  It was like reading everything that I've been writing in this journal.  So many similarities in the back story.  I read through it so quickly.  Quicker than I've ever read through a book.  I got the kids settled and in bed and decided I was going to ask my husband for the truth.  I went in and asked.  I think he was almost expecting it, by the way he looked at me.  He said he honestly couldn't remember, but he didn't think so.  I told him I wouldn't hold it against him, that I would understand.  I wasn't sure if that was true or not, but I wanted to know the truth from him.  He began to tell me what happened that day and how our doctor came out to tell him he was sorry that he was going to have to do this, but I was going to die if he didn't.  J said it was all over his face, that he was serious.  He really thought I was going to die.  He told the doctor to please keep me alive because he needed me desperately.  Our doctor of course said he would do everything he could.  When I came through the procedure, I was clinging on for life.  He just kept saying he wasn't sure if they asked him or not, but if they had he would have told them no.  It was all he could do to handle the possibility of losing me, but holding the babies too, he couldn't bear.  Then he said this.  I was so scared that what if that was the one thing that made you stop fighting to live.  What if it made it worse for you and then you died too.  I was crying and I told him it was ok and I understood, but I still really only needed to know if they were hurt during the procedure.  I felt that knowing that would heal me.  He still couldn't understand why I would want to know the details.  Why I couldn't just remember the good of the pregnancy and live in that.  I told him that I just couldn't and that I was sorry we were going through all of this again, but I was healing and it was necessary.  We were ok and apologized for arguing.  Neither of us wanted to fight.  As I laid back down with the kids, to get them to sleep as they were restless.  I still had my phone with me and I was eagerly waiting the return email from my nurse whom I had emailed the night before.  I still hadn't received anything.  I finally gave way to sleep and dreamt that I kept leaving my baby at home all the time and forgetting about it completely until I would get home and there it would be, in my bed.  I say "it" because I could never figure out if it was male or female.  Every time it would be crying, but as soon as it would see me it would be so happy that I was home.  I can't tell you how many times during that dream that I left because I forgot about that baby, but when I returned, there it was, happy to see me.  I woke up again about an hour ago and reached for my phone to see if I had any new mail.  Still nothing.  My mind instantly went to my dream and how real it seemed.  How happy the baby was that I was home.  My mind went to my husband and in a split second it all made sense and I forgave.  I realized that when you are forced to make a decision for a loved one who is ill and cannot make the decisions for themselves, you do what you think is the best thing for them.  You do what you think is going to keep them alive.  That's what he did.  I imagined him in that waiting room, trying to make these decisions without me and how hard that must have been for him.  I knew he had made the right choice right then and there.  I knew, because if he had agreed to let me hold my babies I know I would have given up my fight right then so that I could be with them.  I know that he knew that.  He did what was necessary to keep me alive.  And look where we are.  Happily married for almost 20 years, with 2 beautiful children that are our very own miracles.  God has walked me through this.  Jesus has held my hand and the Holy Spirit has rushed through my veins, carrying me on this journey.  I forgave and for the first time, knew that I didn't need to see them.  I knew what they looked like.  Our babies are exact images of one another.  We have a collage picture where you can't tell them apart.  It is the mold we make as a couple.  That is what our babies look like.  Just like that mold.  I can see them in my mind and feel them in my heart and I know that they are so happy.  I love my husband dearly and trust him with my life and know that, in the event of an emergency, he will make the right choices for me.  I have never doubted that.  I just never looked at what happened as that situation.  He did exactly what I would have done.  And I love him for it.