Heart

I have spent the last few days relishing in my new found freedom.  I haven't done much different with my daily living, except for accepting Christ and letting Him handle my struggles and problems.  Things are still happening every day.  I still have struggles, I still have pain.  We all do.  The difference in my existence is I pray about it each day, but I've learned to pray differently.  I used to pray all the time, asking God for help with this problem or fix that please.  Please let me no longer have struggles.  Please God, take away my pain.  Change this or fix that.  I was always asking for something, but I was not living up to my end of the bargain.  There was no trade off.  I wasn't willing to share my love for the Lord or even admit to it.  I didn't love Him.  He was adding to my struggles every day.  Every day it was something new.  And just when I thought I would get over one hurdle, three more would pop up in its place.  My stomach was always in knots and my head was always hurting.  Since writing this blog, I have come to realize a few things about myself that I didn't really think were there and I know and feel that this applies to almost all of us.  I am selfish.  I have been selfish.  With my feelings, with my time, with my energy, with my love, with my thoughts.  I had this image of myself that I was a compassionate person, I could understand people and I felt for them.  I am that, but I am also very selfish.  I would never give of myself to anyone.  I kept all of my feelings inside.  I let them torment me and tear me apart, never showing anyone that I hurting or felt misunderstood.  I have been through a lot in my short life.  I have been dealt the hand of infertility and loss, pain, both physical and mental and the ongoing struggle to figure out what is wrong with me.  And through all of that, I wasn't sharing.  I was only listening to other people talk about all of their problems and thinking to myself "why do they complain so much?  They don't know the meaning of pain.  They couldn't possibly understand where I was coming from.  All that I go through and I don't complain.  What good does complaining do?  It doesn't change anything.  Just deal with it and move on, but quit complaining!"  The "what about me?" in all of us irritated me to my very core.  I wanted to just scream when I would hear the complaints of others and their daily lives.  "What about me?", I was thinking in my head.  Did they not realize what all I had been through?  Had they forgotten what a tragedy my life was?  What about all of my problems?  Did they forget who they were talking to?  The queen of misfortune.  Nothing they could say, would "trump" my pain.  But still I wasn't sharing.  I was only masking the pain and not letting anyone know how much it affected me.  In my mind, I was trying to live positively, without complaint.   Yeah right.  Each day in my subconscious prayers, I was telling God that I was not willing to listen to anyone for the truth.  I was not willing to give Him my trust and faith and let Him truly help me.  It was one more burden of mine that I was misunderstood.  These were my babies that I had lost, the pain in my back was unbearable to only me, the struggle of life was only felt by me and no one got it.  I was counseling, but not sharing.  Showing empathy, but only assuming that people understood that I must know what I'm talking about since I had been through so much.  In the last few weeks I have come to realize that people want to hear what we don't tell them.  They want to hear that we struggle with the same demons as they do, day in and day out.  The fears of life that eat away at us.  We all feel alone in this world, because we don't share who we really are.  We are all embarrassed or afraid of what the other person might think.  I have been typing out my darkest secrets to allow people to read what goes on in my mind, but when it came time to face those people, I still clammed up and couldn't bare to talk about it.  The conversations were too hard.  The looks of disbelief or disappointment were too much.  I realized that I have been looking at God that way my whole adult life.  I couldn't have a conversation with Him because it was too hard.  I was looking at Him with disbelief and disappointment each and every day.  Those looks are hard to take and I was dishing them out all day, every day.  When I would pray, it would be in anger, not thanks.  I can only imagine what this would do to me if someone had done that to me.  Every time I tried to understand them or show that I am listening, all I got in return was anger.  Anger for the hard things they were going through, but no thanks for any of the good things I was being given.  I wondered how I would feel if someone had done that to me.  I would turn my back on them.  How could they be so ungrateful?  Don't they see what I am doing for them?  Don't they see the good in their lives?  That's how I lived my life.  Never giving thanks to God for all that He had given me.  Only calling on Him in my hours of need, never in my hours of happiness.  I started today's post with the intent of a message that people live their lives with a heavy heart.  Mine has been so heavy for so long.  It is an expression synonymous with sadness and anger, not happiness.  I have had the fullest heart, though since I have given my life back to Christ.  My heart has been overflowing with love and I don't mean in the figurative sense.  It is really physically full.  My blood is pumping, my heart is full.  It feels heavy, but not painfully heavy.  Happily heavy, I guess.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  My heart has never felt so full in all my life.  It's full of Christ.  It's full of the Holy Spirit.  It's a feeling of anxiety, but a feeling of calmness.  Each day I'm giving thanks for every thing in my life that I am grateful for and blessed to have.  I'm waking up with a sense of appreciation, not aggravation.  I am so thankful for the understanding He has given me.  The feeling of knowing that all of my suffering has been felt by so many, just as I have felt their suffering.  The ability to let go of some of those things and let others know that you feel their pain for you is transforming.  The ability to stop thinking about "why me?" and say, "yes, me too!" is freeing.  All of these feelings of judgement by others has left me.  I have only one judge, as we all do.  We should all be free to express ourselves and not feel ashamed of our feelings.  Quit apologizing to everyone for feeling a certain way or for calling on them when you need them.  Let people help you.  Let them into your life, into your darkest places.  They are longing to be there with you, to hold your hand.  But most of all let the Lord into your heart.  Let Him handle your pain and your struggles.  He has a plan for you that is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.  As you read this, you may be experiencing the worst grief, the worst anger, the worst pain imaginable, but there is something in your life that you can thank Him for.  I implore you to stop what you are doing and thank Him for that, even if it's only one thing.  Do it every day.  It will change you.  I promise.