I am in shock at all the things coming together in my life. For the first time, I am so awakened to the responsibility God has placed upon me. I've always looked at my willingness to listen and counsel others as a burden of sorts. While I enjoyed listening and helping others, I never knew what it was like to express my own feelings to someone and tell them everything I was going through. I think that I somehow helped myself by helping them and seeing them succeed, but it never made sense to me. I am a computer nerd by profession. My career as an HRIS Analyst was great. I always said to everyone I met, that my brain was made for computers, but my heart was made for HR, that is why HRIS was such a perfect fit for me. I excelled in every aspect of the job. I formed quick bonds with employees and long lasting relationships with those I mentored in our overseas offices. It was a gift I had, not necessarily of the gab, but of understanding. As I wrote in one of my first posts, most people have gravitated to me for some sort of counseling in their lives. It always seemed to be the "second" part of my job. But I have never opened up as I have over the last couple of weeks. I have always been the listener. I kept internalizing, but at the same time, using my pain, to guide others through their lives. It was helping them, but still I hurt. Since I have released these demons, I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to help those of us that are struggling with this. We hide these horrible feelings from each other, because we are afraid of the looks, of the judgement. I'm still struggling with this today, but I am getting better. I feel the strongest pull towards God and what He wants me to do with all of my trials in life. As the old saying goes, He turns trials into triumph.....I can actually feel that happening in my heart and see it happening in my life. It may have taken so much longer than I expected, but that is the beauty in it all, it is always His plan. He knew what I was meant to be and what I would do with everything I have been through. He knew that I could not sit at home, going through this unbelievable experience and not share it. He knew that people listen to my words (for reasons I cannot understand). He has been preparing me for this my whole life. I can tell you that for the first few years after losing the twins, I literally asked God "why me?" every day. I never understood it. I never realized why he put me through so much pain and misery. He is calling me to serve and to help others with this struggle and I am so grateful for that. It is the most wonderful feeling knowing that my tragedy may help someone realize that they are not alone. I started an Instagram for Mended Soul and have been posting a few things here and there. I mostly did it as a way for my friends and family to follow along without me having to bombard their feeds with my thoughts. I didn't want to be "that" person. People shy away from "that" person and I didn't want that. I started to have a few new followers, but I received my first comment from someone I don't know yesterday. It reads "I don't know how I found your Instagram, but your posts are amazing. Please tell me the name of this book? You're a stranger but you have found your way into my prayers. Good luck on your journey." I love this. I have been posting this same sort of thing on other's feeds that have been inspirational to me. It was great to get that same response back.
We went to a new church yesterday and absolutely loved it. The minister's message spoke straight to my heart. His message was "From the Gut". He wanted to speak from his gut and tell share his feelings that he doesn't normally share. How could I have walked into a place at a more perfect time? I was on the same journey myself. The series will last for the next few weeks, but will delve into those dark places that no one talks about. I felt as though God was speaking straight to me. I have already begun to volunteer at different places, but this need for a place to gather just kept resonating with me. In developing my page last night, I came across another woman's page, how I do not know. She is battling right now with the loss of her baby girl. She is strong in her faith, but still has the same overwhelming feelings I did. She only has God to fall back on. I did not trust God enough to carry me through. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. She at least can. It has taken so long for me to be at peace. She just lost her baby within the last few months but she is still so close to God. I can remember so vividly those first few months of depression. How, with time, you get hardened to the memories, but that they never go away. They never will. She had so much to say that really hit home with me. I hope to have that bond with Him, that I can trust in His plan for me, no matter what life may throw at me. I hope to be able to share her blog with you. She also has the most beautiful picture of her daughter posted on her page. She lost hers at 19 weeks, close to the same time I lost my girls. As I said before, I never had a picture to look at and that has haunted me all these years. I could only ever find pictures via abortion sites and those images are forever burned in my brain. But she was brave enough to share the picture of her beautiful, perfect child with all of us. It really was the most precious little child I had ever laid my eyes on. As I looked at it, I imagined my own girls and the last images I have of them through ultrasound. The curves of their lips, their button noses, their sweet and delicate faces. In my mind, I could see them for the very first time. It was amazing and something I never thought I would see until I got to heaven. I am so thankful for the the amount of closure I am receiving through this process and the new beginning I am being given. I want to live my life for Christ and all that He has given me. I am full of mistakes and sin, but I am on my way to redemption and it is, honestly, the greatest feeling in the world. Love to you all!!!
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