Surreal

As my husband put it this morning, my life is becoming more surreal by the day.  I'm not sure how to handle all of it.  I am embracing it fully, because I believe in it strongly and I believe that there is a message for me.  I believe that there is a message that I am supposed to relay to all of you as well.  Whether I have done that yet or not, has yet to be seen.  After yesterday's post, I sat in silence for a long time, reflecting on why I had not seeked out the truth in all of this rather than trying to come up with an understanding all my own.  I think I was worried that the truth would be more than I could handle, meaning, that I probably would have had the opportunity to hold my babies and see them, had I just asked.  But that day, I hesitated, for some reason.  I remember it so clearly, hesitating to ask each and every time I wanted to know what was going on with them.  I didn't want to seem crazy.  Why would that make me look crazy?  I don't know.  But I remember thinking that.  No one ever asked me anything, like the doctors or staff, so I just sat there and let it happen.  That's not who I am.  I don't sit and let things happen.  I always say what I think is right and voice my opinion.  I think that is ultimately where all of my guilt comes from.  I didn't ask.  I just let it happen.  Even though I was so very sick, and knew I had no choice but to lose them both, I still just wanted an opportunity to grieve them properly.  I think that, by going to sleep, then waking to an empty uterus, once filled with two healthy, moving babies and never seeing those babies has been what has haunted me and left me so damaged.  I left them there at the hospital without so much as a glimpse from their mother.  They at least deserved that much.  So I made a decision.  I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday around lunch to go and receive one of my hormonal injections I'm getting and I decided that I would just start asking questions.  I know it has been 9 years, but my chart there is humongous and surely they would have something they could give me.  I also seeked out to find my nurse from that day.  She was a young nurse then, I believe it was one of her first experiences.  She was drawn to my family during that time and visited me often in ICU from labor and delivery.  She was so incredibly kind.  She wrote me a very long a sweet card then, that I still have to this day.  Years later when I had Ben, she walked through my hospital room door wondering if I remembered her.  I started crying and said of course I did.  We talked for a while and said we'd keep in touch, but didn't.  Then when I went in to have Megan, I went in a day early before I was to be induced because I was in so much pain and I was vomiting.  When I walked up to the desk, guess who was there.  That's right, it was her again!  We embraced and talked all through the night about our little ones.  Looking back, I think God was trying to give me the opportunity to receive closure at those times, but I never took it.  I was too afraid to ask.  So yesterday I tried to track her down.  She had deleted her Facebook, so I couldn't reach her there and I couldn't find her anywhere.  I finally got on Instagram and searched her name and their she was!  I was so thrilled!  I commented on a picture and asked if she remembered me and waited for a response. 

I left the house and took the kids to my moms while I went to the doctor.  I felt ok going, but I was nervous.  I knew what I was about to do.  I waited in the lobby for them to call my name and as I went back, my original nurse for the last 15 years passed me by.  I asked her if I could talk with her when I was done and she said of course.  I had my shot and waited for her to return.  When she did, I asked her to find all of the information she could on the girls for me.  She looked at me with tears in her eyes.  I'd hidden this from them for so long as well, they had no idea that I was still struggling.  They are like my second family there, because I go so much.  She asked if I was ok and I told her I just needed it for me, for myself.  She said she would do anything for me and then she would make an appointment with a block of time for me to talk to my doctor about all that happened.  I'm not sure if I can handle that, but I agreed to it.  I hugged her and teared up slightly,  and left.  I stepped onto an elevator with a few others on it and wiped a tear from my eye quickly as I turned around.  I was hoping no one caught it.  I wasn't a blubbering mess, but I was irritated with myself, that I didn't go to the restroom first to fix my face.  As we reached the lobby, another tear came down and I wiped it away as well.  The doors opened and I walked quickly to the parking garage.  I hit the button for the elevator to go the floor I parked on and got in.  Another woman got in after me.  When the doors closed, she looked at me and asked if I was ok.  She was about my age.  I looked up at her and smiled and said yes, and thanked her for asking.  I told her it was very kind of her, it had just been a long day, but thank you.  She wanted to know if I needed a hug or anything and I smiled again as the elevator doors opened and said thank you, but I was fine, really.  We both stepped out to walk to our car.  But as we stepped out, she stopped me.  I looked at her and she said she had to ask me something.  I said ok.  She asked me if I was crying because of infertility.  I stood there in shock for a moment, not really knowing what to say, but asked her why she asked me that.  She said, she could see the pain in my face and she was going through it too.  I told her that I had children, two of them, but I was still grieving my loss from 9 years ago and my struggles of infertility from before.  I couldn't believe my ears.  She just started asking me all of these questions and I stopped her and told her about my blog and facebook page.  I told her that I knew what she was going through and how it felt and that I understood her pain.  She was 37, without children yet, but desperately wanted them.  She was going through a life changing experience too.  She had made the decision to put a positive attitude forth about all of her troubles, rather than dwell on them.  I told her that I too, was trying to do the same, but also use my struggles to help others get through theirs.  As I looked into her eyes, I knew she needed me.  I grabbed a sheet of paper and pen from my purse and tore it in half.  I gave her one which she wrote her info down on and I wrote mine on the other.  We stood in the garage for 30 minutes talking like we had known each other always.  She hugged me over and over and I told her that I would love to meet her for lunch one day and talk more.  We decided it should be so and then left.  I got in my car, dumbfounded, and watched her drive away.  I looked at the paper in my hand and to my surprise, I hadn't switched it with her!  It was still the paper with my own info on it!  Ahh!!  How would I find her??  How would I help her?  The only thing I could remember was that she said her name was Tine (spelled like that with an e at the end because it was German) and that she went to Dr. Wheeler on Milam.  This was so frustrating!!  How could this be??  I closed my eyes and prayed that she would find me.  I prayed that she would remember Mended Soul and find it and somehow contact me.  She was so kind and she needed someone to talk to so desperately.  I came home to my mom's to get the kids and told her.  Her first thought was, maybe, I was visited by an angel.  It wasn't like me to not exchange information with someone.  It was way to real to be an angel I told her.  She couldn't believe it.  I also checked my Instgram for the next couple of hours, waiting on a response from my nurse.  Finally a few hours later, I received a response saying of course she remembered and to email her with her email address attached!  So there I was.  No excuses.  I'm going to ask the one person I know who saw my children, that isn't my doctor and will tell me the truth, exactly what happened that day.  I emailed her last night a lengthy email and am now waiting her response.  I woke up so many times last night to check my phone, but nothing yet.  And that's ok.  I'm sure she was shocked as to all of the questions I asked.  After yesterday's devotional reading, I wanted to read today's last night, just so I would know what to expect today, but decided against it.  I wanted to trust in God, that He is doing what is best for me.  When I woke in the middle of the night around 2, I decided, it was now August 8, so I would read it.  This is what it reads:

I speak to you from deepest heaven.  You hear Me in the depths of your being.  Deep calls unto deep.  You are blessed to hear Me so directly.  Never take this privilege for granted.  The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude.  I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set.  This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you.  As you learn these lessons, you are to teach them to others.  I will open up the way before you, one step at a time.

I had to type that for you this time instead of posting a picture.  I needed to retype those words to let them sink into my soul.  I have never been so led to something before in my entire life.  This is beyond surreal.  I am eager to hear from my friend and doctor, but I know, no matter what, that I will be ok.  Love and blessings to all of you!!