How can you help?

The response for The Mended Soul Project has been overwhelming.  I am so thrilled that so many of you are interested in helping out.  So many of you are contacting me asking, "how can I help?"  So I've come up with a list of things that we could use help with.  If any of these things resonates with you, please consider helping out. 

1. Clothing - So for our first fundraiser, we are teaming up with Lillies of the Field on Instagram.  This organization hosts resale shopping nights that help benefit adoptions, missions and ministries.  We are so grateful to be partnering with them.  Our first sale will be Tuesday, November 12.  If you have anything you'd like to donate to the sale and are in the Houston area, we would love it you would consider donating it to Mended Soul.  We are looking for new or slightly worn women's clothing, shoes and accessories that are in current fashion.  All proceeds from the sale will go towards Mended Soul.

You can also follow @lilliesofthefield on Instagram if you'd like to check out the sale.  They have lots of sales each week benefitting different things and they really are a great organization!

2. Donations - We are currently accepting donations for breast pads or belly binders.  We would like the cooling breast pads, if possible.  You can find these at any drug store/grocery store.  Also, we are looking for belly binders.  If you would like to donate those please email me and let me know.  They are things that can be mailed or I can pick them up.  I can also provide links on amazon where you can purchase them.  Both items run $5-$7 each.

3. Contributors - If you are someone who has been affected by miscarriage or infant loss, we would love for you to share your story.  There will be a page on the website dedicated to these stories.  Women find it so comforting to read others' experiences and know that they are not alone.  Please feel free to write as openly as possible and know that your story will always remain anonymous.

4. Survey - We are also going to be setting up a survey for those affected by miscarriage.  Again, this will be completely anonymous, but I would like to get some feedback from a group on how you feel about this project and how you would have felt had this been something that was offered to you.

5. Artist - We are looking for someone who can assist with creating the postcard that will go into each package given to the women that have experienced a miscarriage or loss.

6. Graphic/Website Designer - We are in need of a graphic/website designer to help tweak the website.  It is almost complete, but I could really use some additional, experienced hands to help out.  This person could help with the postcard as well, if they would like. 

7. Volunteer - We are also going to be in need of volunteers to help package the clothing from the online sale, as well as assembling the bags once everything has come in.  This would be local in the Katy area.

8. Monetary Donations - If you would still like to help and none of these things resonate with you or if you don't have time, you can always donate monetarily.  Every little bit will help.  As I said before, breast pads and belly binders run about $5-$7 dollars each.  We can all spare $5 to help out.  You may donate to amendedsoul@gmail.com on paypal.

9. Spread the Word - If you feel a connection to this cause, please help spread the word.  We have several local hospitals in the Houston area that are willing to participate as well as several churches.  We are hoping that you will take this information to your doctors, hospitals and churches.  Start a small group at your local church, to help these women.  Share this on your facebook page.  Just talking about it with your close friends is enough to bring awareness to this growing problem.

Thank you to all of you willing to help out!!  I can't tell you how grateful and appreciative I am for all of your encouragement and help.  It's time we recognize what women go through when they lose a child.  It is really life-changing and we need to be able to bring awareness to this so that women can be helped and don't have to suffer for so long in silence.  You are not alone.

XOXO ~ Michelle

God's Plan/The Mended Soul Project

I am more and more aware of God's plan for my life each and every day.  For the first time, I actually told someone that, looking back, I would not change a thing that has happened to me in my life time.  It was all God's will and I am thankful for each and every experience and the struggle or joy each experience has brought me.  I am so unbelievably thankful.  The part of my brain that used to rule my life is screaming at me, wondering how on earth I could be thankful for losing my daughters.  I actually don't know the answer to that.  My heart is brimming with emotion right now and it is so full of love.  Love for my Lord, my family, my friends.  God is placing people in my life, ever so gently, but perfectly at each and every step.  Never has my life flowed so freely, my ideas so fresh and vivid and perfect.  They are not mine, they are His.  He knows exactly what He wants me to be doing and I am finally taking notice and following His instructions.  I was worried after my hysterectomy that I would lose that connection I felt, with my womb being gone.  The connection is in my heart, I know, but just knowing that their final place on earth before dying was tucked away, safely in my womb, made me feel like I was losing a part of them somehow.  Now that it is gone, the pain it has caused me all these years has gone with it.  My heart has led me to begin a new ministry in remembrance of my girls and the other pregnancies that I lost, as well as all pregnancy, and infant loss and infertility.  It is called The Mended Soul Project.  What this ministry is all about is helping those that experience the loss of a pregnancy or newborn cope with all the things that are about to unfold in their life.  It will also offer guidance and support to those facing infertility.  My hope is that this community will come together to offer support to each other and allow others to know that they are not alone in their grief.  It will entail a website with information and links, but most importantly, it will provide information to women leaving the hospital after suffering a loss.  The one thing I have learned over the long years of infertility and loss is that hospitals don't care about the deceased.  Nor do they care very much about the family of the deceased.  I know there are certain protocols that are done when a baby is still born.  There is time to grieve with the baby, take pictures if wanted and such.  There is none of that with a miscarriage whether it be early or late in the pregnancy.  No one asks how you are feeling emotionally.  It is a common procedure to have a D&C or D&E.  Both procedures are horrific and invasive.  I have faced a D&C awake, in a doctors office, treated like I was an idiot.  I've also faced them under sedation in day surgery, but sent away with nothing.  I have also lost a late term pregnancy, where I stayed in the hospital for weeks because of illness, never once being asked if I needed a grievance counselor.  It is amazing to me, the lack of compassion from hospitals, who are so numb to it all.  The miscarriage rate is high, anywhere from 10 - 31% before 20 weeks.  What they don't take into consideration is that the second that test turns positive, it is a baby to us.  It doesn't matter if at that time it was a ball of cells, or if by the time we go to the doctor it shows as an empty sac or a small blob on the screen without a heartbeat.  Even harder is going through ultrasound after ultrasound, becoming attached to those babies, watching them turn from blobs to babies right before your eyes.  Once you can feel them inside, it becomes so much more than real.  When you lose them, you feel robbed, violated.  There is no medicine that can take that pain away.  There are no doctor's words that can explain it in a way that might make you feel better.  "It wasn't meant to be this time" or "it was probably deformed" doesn't make it ok.  What I am hoping is to provide women with the information they need to grieve properly and learn to accept what has happened to them and how it was not their fault, but in a relaxed, non-threatening environment, where they feel comfortable to read or even to write about their experiences. 

So that was the beginning of The Mended Soul Project.  Over the last few weeks things have grown exponentially!  I also wanted women to be prepared for the things that were about to happen to their bodies.  When we actually have a baby that we can bring home, we are given a multitude of free products.  Diaper bags, formula, diapers, wipes, coupons, food, deodorant, you name it.  We are left feeling equipped for the task of being a new parent.  When you lose your baby, you get nothing but a hospital bill.  That needs to change.  So much of what happens to you, after you carry full term, still occurs even after a loss.  After reaching a certain point in pregnancy, once you give birth, early or not, your body begins to lactate.  This is a cruel and unusual punishment for mother's who have just suffered a loss.  To have you milk come in, with no baby there to feed is so incredibly painful.  Then there are the phantom kicks.  If you were far enough, your uterus will still keep twitching and popping as though you can still feel your baby inside your body.  You will also most likely experience post-partum depression.  This hormonal driven depression, on top of the actual depression you are feeling because of the loss is tremendous.  There is a long list of other things that your body and mind go through, but those are the main problems and it is so awful to handle.  I thought of the idea of creating my own type of bag to give to those mother's.  Nothing fancy or extravagant, but something to equip them for what they are about to go through.  All the information necessary to help them grieve, packages of breast pads for when their milk does come in (especially since, if you have to buy them yourself, you'll be walking into the baby department, therefore triggering another emotional let down), a belly band, and something inspirational.  That is just the beginning.  I just truly believe that we need to be investing some time into these precious mother's lives and helping them cope with the loss of their child.  Life is so unfair at times and unless you have been through something so personal, you can't begin to know how to respond or help your friend in need. 

So like I said before, God has placed people directly in my path that are excited about this and willing to help in any way possible.  One of those women is someone who sells Thirty-one bags.  She and I are teaming up this month for a promotion of sorts.  You can purchase one or more of these bags to either provide to someone you know or for our stock.  For every 3rd bag sold, one will be purchased by the host.  She is also donating all of her profits to the fund to fill these bags.  I have personally contacted the brands of items I would like to place in the bags and hope to have some sort of donation from them.  I have been given permission to pass out the bags at several local hospitals, where I may be given access to their closet of samples they receive.  I am working on all of that as we speak.  I am also hosting a clothing sale on Instagram through a website that specifically hosts missions/ministries.  The sale will be coming up soon and I hope to raise enough money to fill the bags completely to be ready to go out to the first hospital by December 1.  We could really use all the help we can get!  There is a list of things that you can do to help if you'd like.  I would appreciate any input as to how you feel about the project itself and if you can add to the list of things that may have been helpful to you, if you have gone through this yourself.  Here are the areas you can help out:

1. Purchase a bag for donation when the sale begins.  Each bag will be only $10, with a little extra for embroidery.
2. Donate goods or money to pay for the goods to fill the bags.  The list of goods will be available soon.
3. Donate good quality used clothing to the clothing sale on Instagram to raise money for The Project.  This means going through your closets and finding the things you don't want any longer and rather than taking them to Goodwill, give them to Mended Soul.  I'm hoping to be able to provide a tax-deductible receipt to those donating.  Items we are looking for are trendy womens clothing, shoes and accessories.  I will come pick up all local items myself.  We also have pick-ups available in other areas, so please inquire.
4. Donate your time to assemble these bags.
5. If you have a story you'd like to share on the website about your experience, please email me so that we can arrange that.  If you have a blog and would like to link up to the blog page, please send me your link so that I may do that as well.
6. Most importantly, I ask for your prayers for this journey God has placed me on.  I know it is the right thing to do and will help so many struggling women out there. 

We all know someone who has been affected by miscarriage.  It could be you or your family or friends, but we all know someone.  It is a horrible thing to experience and I hope that you too will feel inspired to give/help/pray.  Please contact me at amendedsoul@gmail.com with any questions, comments or anything else.  Love and hugs to all of you!!!!  XOXO Michelle

How it all began

My faith has replaced my sense of worry with confidence.  Confidence that He will always provide.  Confidence that He knows the way for me and I trust Him, no matter the choices He has made for my life.  It is a hard thing to do, give someone else ultimate control over your life.  Even though we feel like we have control, we do not.  Things are in motion from the minute we are born.  We do not have any control over what happens to us.  Sure, there are some choices we can make along the way that may slightly change the course, but all major milestones are carved in stone.  It's how we weave our life and choices into those milestones that makes us who we are as individuals.  I started out my life weaving my choices in and out as I pleased.  I felt I was smart and knew what was best for me and my life.  I left home at an early age and actually was married early too.  It caused a lot of trouble and struggle in my life, to leave my home with my parents and decide to do things for myself.  I moved across the country and started a life with my high school sweetheart.  I got pregnant for the first time at 22.  It was my first pregnancy and we (or I) really wanted to have a baby.  When I got pregnant so quickly, I was so happy.  I had cravings and morning sickness so badly, that I knew before I ever even took the test that I was pregnant.  I chose a doctor based on a friends recommendation and two days before my first appointment, I started to spot.  I didn't tell anyone, hoping that if I ignored it, it would go away.  We all hear of women who bleed their entire pregnancy.  Actually come to think of it, I've never met a woman who has, but I know we read about it online.  It may just be another way to get our hopes up that we are ok.  I wanted to be able to control the situation, but I couldn't.  My mother went with me to my first appointment and I should have been 10 weeks.  When the nurse couldn't hear a heartbeat, she brought the doctor in.  He was older, very set in his ways and apparently, had seen it all in his lifetime.  His first words to me were "yeah, don't think this one's gonna be good, let's get an ultrasound."  I was terrified.  I knew he was right, but he was so matter of fact about it.  I had an ultrasound and saw a perfect sac, with a baby that had "stopped growing" at 5 weeks....no heartbeat.  He says he was right, I start to cry and he looks at me like I'm some kind of idiot.  He says we should talk in his office to discuss options.  He tells me that I could wait out the miscarriage, in case I was wrong on my dates and come back in two weeks or go in for a D&C.  Of course, it was a no brainer for me, I'd wait.  What if there was a chance the baby was ok?  I wasn't giving that up.  Two weeks went by and I go back to the doctor.  I tell him that I had stopped bleeding.  He says maybe he was wrong.  Really?  He gives me another ultrasound and tells me instantly, "nope!  I was right!"  I wanted to crawl under the table and punch him right where it counts.  How could he not speak to me with any care or concern?  I decided I would go home and wait again, as I couldn't spend one more minute in that office with him to go ahead with a D&C.  Three days later, my body started to miscarry in the night.  I was actually in so much pain.  I cramped and "labored" in the bathroom all night and my husband took me to the doctor in the morning.  We were sent to the back room and I waited for the doctor to come and check me out.  He tells me there is still "some" left and he would just try to get it out.  I was 22, scared, naïve and upset.  I said ok, not realizing I was basically asking for an abortion on the table.  He brought out all his tools and began to work.  This was the first experience I had with loss.  I sat on the table as the doctor ripped out my insides.  My husband, 22 at the time as well, sat in the chair, white as a ghost, with his eyes wide open.  We were both in shock as to what was happening to me.  It hurt so bad.  I was crying in pain and grief and my doctor, finally getting fed up with hearing me, said "guess we won't be able to do this here.  Sign her up for a D&C to get the little bit left out" and he walked out the door.  This is how I was treated after losing my baby.  I was sent over to the hospital, drugged up, cleaned out and sent home.  Like it was nothing.  No words, no condolences, nothing.  A 22 year old, left to her own thoughts and forgotten.  I laid on my couch and cried for two weeks.  I couldn't bear to go back to work and face the people who knew I was pregnant.  What would I say to them?  How were the going to react?  I had a great job, in an HR department, with encouraging people, but I could not do it.  It was then that my wall went up and I never let it down.  That moment changed me forever and the doctor and nurses didn't even care.  I knew from then on, it was up to me to take care of myself.  I was not able to rely on anyone for comfort or knowledge.  No one could understand what I was going through.  Little did I know, that was only the beginning of my long journey.  Looking back, I wish I had someone or something there to comfort me in the way I needed.  I felt stupid and I didn't like that.  I was a smart girl.  I should have known better.  I really did not believe in God at that time.  He was so far from my mind and I did not have faith that what was happening was not my fault.  Satan used that experience to poison my brain with fear and hatred.  He had his grips on me and he was not letting go.  I was an easy target I suppose.  I knew everything (so I thought) and I was in control of my life.  We are the easiest for him to pick out.  He poisons your mind with self-preservation.  Never rely on God.  If He loved you, He wouldn't do this to you.  The doubt began to pour in and only grow.

Day 6 - Ministry and Missions

Day 6 {Ministry and Missions} Today I am so thankful for the ministry that God has placed on my heart. Helping women cope with miscarriage/infant loss has become so much more than I could have possibly imagined.  His word is true that my Trials are becoming Triumphs. My years of suffering have a purpose and it is far greater than writing. So much is unfolding each and every day. He has placed me perfectly in this time and is ready for me to take my part and do His will. I am so grateful for His guiding hand. Hebrews 13:21 Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

 

 

 

 

Day 5 - Pray Every Day

Pray Every Day - this is my prayer to The Lord each and every day. Psalm 25
Lord, I put my life in your hands. I trust in you, my God, and I will not be disappointed. My enemies will not laugh at me. No one who trusts in you will be d...isappointed. But disappointment will come to those who try to deceive others. They will get nothing. Lord, help me learn your ways. Show me how you want me to live. Guide me and teach me your truths. You are my God, my Savior. You are the one I have been waiting for. Remember to be kind to me, Lord. Show me the tender love that you have always had. Don’t remember the sinful things I did when I was young. Because you are good, Lord, remember me with your faithful love. The Lord is good and does what is right. He shows sinners the right way to live. He teaches his ways to humble people. He leads them with fairness. The Lord is kind and true to those who obey what he said in his agreement. Lord, I have done many wrong things. But I ask you to forgive them all to show your goodness. When people choose to follow the Lord, he shows them the best way to live. They will enjoy good things, and their children will get the land God promised. The Lord tells his secrets to his followers. He teaches them about his agreement. I always look to the Lord for help. Only he can free me from my troubles. I am hurt and lonely. Turn to me, and show me mercy. Free me from my troubles. Help me solve my problems. Look at my trials and troubles. Forgive me for all the sins I have done. Look at all the enemies I have. They hate me and want to hurt me. Protect me! Save me from them! I come to you for protection, so don’t let me be disappointed. You are good and do what is right. I trust you to protect me. God, save the people of Israel from all their enemies.

Day 4 {my son}

Day 4 {my son}
Missed day fives post yesterday because things were busy. My son had a school program that went late and the kids were wired afterward! He was the most animated and amazing little performer! I was so proud of him. The Lord ...blessed me with this boy 7 years ago and though he doesn't realize it, he is my life saver. He truly pulled me from the depths of despair and he hasn't let go of me since. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this boy. When I think of the love I have for him, and I think that God gave his only son to save us from our sins, it really makes it that much more real, God's love. His pain must have been so unbearable to have to watch His only son be crucified. His love for us, His children, His creation, is ever lasting. John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

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Day 3 ~ Passion

The Lord has set my heart on fire!  Since that amazing day in July, my heart has been brimming with emotion, my brain is flooded with ideas.  Over the course of these last few weeks, I've researched, and become parts of groups that are on fire themselves.  God is working on us near and far to bring us all together and allow us to use our specific gifts together as one.  I have never been so inspired by the things in my own mind, full well knowing that He placed them there.  He is leading me to things I had no idea were out there.  It took a few weeks to hone in on what exactly my purpose was, but the funny thing is, He laid it out to me the moment He first spoke.  I was just so overwhelmed by all of the other things going on as well, that I wasn't sure which direction I was being pulled in.  This passion is so meaningful to me and suits me so well.  It combines all of the actual gifts I have as a person, with all of the spiritual gifts I'm being given each day.  I have never been so excited to work on something in all of my life.  My devotion to him today is that I truly thank Him for blessing me with the gifts of realizing my life's purpose.  All of the heart ache and pain and suffering I've been through have prepared me for the moment I am in right here and now.  I trust that no matter what, He will provide for me and help me and He will not lead me astray.  Each one of us is blessed with spiritual gifts, whether known or unknown to us.  Our purpose is to listen to His word and hear His calling for us, accept it and act on it.  I pray this for you today and everyday and I pray that you will ask Christ to fill your heart with His love and grace.

Psalm 17:1-3
~Hear the right, O Lord, attend to my cry, give ear unto my prayer, that goeth not out of feigned lips.
~Let my sentence come forth from thy presence; let thine eyes behold the things that are equal.
~Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night; thou hast tried me and shalt find nothing; I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress

Day 2 ~ Love

Day 2

Love

I think we all face adversity when talking about our faith, but never more so than when it is something new to our normal selves.  Our friends and family are taken aback by our transformation.  It is overwhelming, but so wonderful, the feeling that Christ's love gives you.  He has filled my heart with such love and acceptance and has given me such an understanding of life that I can't help but share it.  While this is so unnatural for me, and I'm sure for a lot of you who are feeling the same thing, it is the only thing that I am sure of each day.  I must spread the joy and peace and everlasting love that Christ has bestowed upon me with anyone who is willing to listen.  It is my prayer every day and every night, that He shows you the same love and He fills your heart as He has filled mine.  I want this for all of you.  It is an amazing feeling, indescribable almost.  He has called upon me to share this with you.  My hope is that my love for you is enough that you will consider turning to Him and asking for Him to shower you with His grace.  This love is unlike any other that I have felt before.  He is first is my life.  I place Him above all others.  He has called upon my heart to carry out a specific mission for women who have faced a miscarriage, still born or infant loss.  It is the most important thing I have ever done in my 37 years on this Earth.  It is the constant thought in my head and it is all driven by love.  From yesterday's post, if all you do is take 15 seconds today to pray, pray that Christ will fill your heart with His love and grace. 

Galatians 2:20

 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

31 Days of Devotion

I've decided that, in celebration of my approaching birthday, I am going to dedicate time to writing to God each day.  I have neglected my blog a bit in the last few weeks because of so much going on, but writing really is a safe haven for me.  It is a way for me become closer to God as well, because most of the time I start out writing something and my fingers go faster than my mind and before I know it, I've learned something new.  I believe it's His way of teaching me.  I read my devotional every day and in the beginning of my journey, it was as though every day was written specifically for me.  I could not believe how perfect they were for me.  I want people to feel the same encouragement I felt and feel that Christ is speaking to them through my writing, because He is.  This is something He has laid on my heart and I know it is for a reason. 

Day 1

Prayer
Prayer is such a powerful thing.  It can be personal and private or it can be shared and celebrated.  It can be done in so many ways.  So many think that by praying, they must know "how" to talk to Christ.  He wants you to know that He is your friend, your confidant, your family member.  He will listen to you no matter your words.  There is no perfect way to pray.  You don't have to pray out loud, you don't have to kneel or bow your head or clasp your hands together.  The only thing you must do is BELIEVE and speak.  Speak your thoughts in your mind.  He will hear them.  Pray for your family, your friends, but most of all pray for yourself.  Pray for His love and grace to fill your heart each and every day.  While it might be tempting to pray for things like money or success or a promotion, etc, learn to pray for His infinite wisdom in guiding your life.  Trust His plan for you and realize that it is far greater than what is happening right here and now.  Pray when you are happy and pray when you are sad, but most of all pray when you are scared.  He is our protector.  Our life belongs to Him.  He will comfort you in your time of need.  Always remember that.  I am not an expert on Christ or the Bible and I do not pretend to be.  What I do know is that the love I feel for Him is far greater than any love I have ever felt before.  The trust I have in Him is so strong that I would allow anything to happen in my life because I know He has a plan for me.  Maybe you pray every day, maybe you pray once in a while or maybe you've never prayed before in your life.  Promise me this, some time today when your mind wanders back to this post, close your eyes and pray.  Even if it's for only 15 seconds.  If all you have time for is one sentence, pray to Christ to fill your heart with His love and grace each and every day.  Do this with me every day.  I promise, it will change you.

Trust and Rejoice

As these days go by, I increasingly become more aware of the Lord's hand in my life.  I have truly given Him my heart and soul and He has taken it from me with care and kindness and done something truly amazing with it.  He is giving it back to me piece by piece as it is mending.  My worries are no longer worries, as I know He has ultimate control over everything.  My day is lived in joy and happiness, rather than anger and resentment as I know His plan is far greater than anything I could have ever dreamt.  The things I have been through, the tragedy I have seen have all been a part of what has led me closest to Him.  He relishes in those times where He sees the darkest parts of our being.  It is there, that we are most desperate.  My experiences are much like everyone else's.  The story or circumstances may not be the same, but the feelings are all the same.  Whether your pain is caused by infertility, death, divorce, infidelity, financial struggles, insecurities, weight issues, etc., we all share such a similar feeling.  Most of us think that a person couldn't possibly understand what we are going through unless they have lived that particular experience themselves.  I know I certainly thought that.  I thought no one could possibly understand what it was like to lose a child in the manner I lost mine and know the feelings I've felt.  But God has taught me that that is simply not true.  All of us, every one, has suffered heart ache and misery in our life time.  When we sit back and think about our feelings, our true feelings they are almost all the same.  We all have experienced loss, pain, rejection, insecurity, feeling like we will never be good enough, wondering what we did to deserve this.  Every person I have spoken to since writing this blog that has talked in depth with me about their feelings has given me the knowledge and courage to say that we are all the same.  We are all God's children.  I am here to tell you that God wants you to talk to Him about how much you hurt.  He already knows it, but He wants to hear it from your lips.  He will help you.  You only have to reach out your hand and take His and He will lead you down the path of peace and salvation.  Our lives are not perfect and they are wrought with tragedy and heartache, but when we look to God first, we will find out that His plan is perfect.  We must trust in Him. 

Psalms 13: 1-6
~How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
~How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
~Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
~Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him: and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved
~But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
~I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me.

One

This morning has brought me such comfort.  We are waiting to go to our second opinion appointment for our son, and after picking up his radiology reports yesterday, we are nervous.  For the first time this morning, I am not angry at God for doing this, I am leaning on Him.  I've always been so quick to blame God for all of the bad things that were happening to me.  I was thankful for the good things, but I was so ready to place blame for the bad things.  I wondered so many times, why would He punish me this way.  I shunned Him, instead of welcomed Him, during my hard times.  This time is so much different.  I know I can lean on Him and He will be there for me.  An interesting thing happened this morning.  My son got dressed as usual, and then came to sit in my lap.  He is normally so consumed with getting ready and watching his morning cartoons.  He laid his head down on me and kept watching TV.  I snuggled him in and closed my eyes and prayed for the day.  As I started to pray, I could feel our heart beats become in sync with one another.  My heart was beating so hard.  I prayed for answers today and comfort and healing for my son.  Then, my son looked up at me, with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm not crying mommy, my eyes are just wet, ok?" and he laid his head back down on my shoulder.  I don't know what he was feeling at the time.  I pray some more for his comfort and for his mind to be at ease about all of this.  I'm sure he can sense the worry in us, but something told me it wasn't worry.  He eventually sat up and I asked him if he was ok.  He said yes.  I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.  He said no at first, but I told him he could tell me anything.  He said he didn't want to tell me.  I said ok, I didn't press.  I just told him that he could tell me anything he wanted to and know that he would always be safe with mommy.  He said ok.  The connection I felt with him this morning is like none I've ever felt before.  Maybe he felt that too.  Maybe he didn't know how to explain it.  I know for that brief moment, he was relying on my heartbeat.  I was relying on his.  We were one again for just a moment in time.  I know God is watching over us today and is preparing us for whatever news may come.  Good or bad, we are going to praise Him no matter what.  He has always gotten us through.

Redemption

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I've been busy with the start of school and such, but also because I've been spreading my words verbally rather than on paper (or computer).  I've found myself doing a lot of "counseling", if you will, or guiding, perhaps, or giving a fresh perspective maybe.  I've had several of my friends and family that have been in need of a listening ear and have been in need of an inspirational word almost daily.  I've been more than happy to be that for them.  It has been good for me too, to be there for someone in that way.  To be a solid, faith-based person for someone to lean on.  It has helped grow my faith tremendously.  Today my words for them have come back to me ten-fold.  I have never been more honored to call these people my family and friends.  Even those that are my friends, are my family.  Yesterday, we were hit kinda hard with our son's test results from his surgery over the summer.  It doesn't look like the surgery was successful and our hearts are heavy right now.  We are struggling with how we will handle telling him that he will have to have another surgery after he did so well and was so very brave the first time.  We told him that he would be fixed and now he is not.  He had to have his IV started 5 times yesterday.  They kept blowing the vein.  That was hard enough, when you prepare your child, who knows what it's like to get stuck over and over, that it's only going to be ONE time and then it will be over and then it blows, and it blows and it blows again and again.  He was such a trooper through the whole thing he even had the nurses tearing up.  He is an amazing kid.  When the testing started and we saw the results come up on the screen, our faces, I'm sure, said it all.  Nothing has changed.  We were there for hours trying to get a good read and hoping for something to miraculously appear on the x-ray, but nothing ever did.  So now we wait.  We wait for the doctor to tell us what to do next and hope that it is an easy fix.  I posted about it on facebook and your prayers started to pour in.  My heart was immediately full of all of the love you all were sending.  Again, such a wonderful feeling.  It was then that these dear close friends/family members of mine started to text me.  They started to text words of encouragement, words of praise, messages about God, prayers, anything that they saw that made them think of me, they sent.  It was what I had been doing for them all along and thought that maybe I was being a little overbearing.  I never realized how amazing it made someone feel to receive that much personal attention.  I have always felt loved by everyone around me, I don't mean it like that.  It was just these words, they were like my own reminders of how much Jesus loves me.  I was forgetting the words I had been giving out so freely to others and not using them for my own salvation. 

So this morning, these words could not have come at a more perfect time.  I had my own doctor's appointment this morning.  It was a two part appointment.  One part surgery scheduling, one part discussion of what happened the day I lost the twins.  I was more nervous than ever, knowing that I had been given a terrible blow yesterday with Ben's test results.  I was almost tempted to cancel my appointment altogether, but Jesus really has led me to this point and I needed to take His hand and allow Him to lead me.  I was fine this morning, until I got back to my room and being back there always makes me feel uncomfortable.  I've been given more bad news than good in those rooms and I just don't like being there.  I received the first of my texts from one of my friends and I began to cry.  I tried to hold it together because I didn't want to start out crying.  Then Jason text me.  I cried some more.  Then I text another friend.  After that, I decided to close my eyes and start to pray and speak to Jesus instead.  As I did, my feelings of the Holy Spirit came over me like they have before.  I've never experienced it outside of my home, but I was so grateful.  I knew I was where I was supposed to be and that I would get the answers I was meant to have.  My doctor came in and we talked about my surgery.  He gave me some new options to help me work around my schedule and difficulties with our son's surgery so that was great.  Then we started to talk about what happened that day I lost the twins.  His words were so incredibly healing, I can't begin to explain, but I'm going to try.  He led me through the day and while he explained how sick and delirious I was, he let me know that I made the decision long before I ever got sick that I would give my life for my children and that's what I did.  We discussed the risks, when my water first broke, that I would be risking my life to save one child.  He said that it was a very hard day for him, that he doesn't have to go through very often, but he does remember it well.  It was very hard for the nurses as well.  We talked about a lot of what happened and how I had no choice in the matter, but then something happened, which I wasn't expecting.  He asked me what brought all of this on and I told him that I had a hard time with it for a while but was ok, but then when my son got sick this year, it really hit a spot in my heart that made me revisit all those old feelings again.  I felt cheated.  I felt like I had already given my children to God, so why was He coming after this one too.  It wasn't right.  I said He can do what He wants to me, but stop messing with my kids.  And then my doctor started to cry.  I have been seeing this same doctor through all of my pain and suffering, through all of my joy and I have never once seen him cry.  He looked me straight in the eye and said "what you did for your babies was nothing short of heroic.  I don't mean to sound grand or whatever, but that's the only word I can think of.  You chose to give your life for your children and I never would have thought that God would have taken you to the brink of death, but He did and you did everything you possibly could to save them.  You need to know that."  He grabbed a Kleenex and wiped his tears.  I sat in shock as to what I just heard.  I stood up, as did he, and we hugged each other for what seemed like forever.  We sat back down and he looked at me and asked me if I was good.  I said yes.  He said ok, with a crooked smile.

Redemption......

Being a Christian

I finally learned what it means to me to be a Christian.  It is far from believing in God, in Christ.  If is far from attending a Christian church.  It is far from following a set of rules set forth by the sector of choice.  Christ has truly interrupted my life.  In a way like none can imagine and I cannot explain.  I was moving forward with my days, living the life I thought was true and right.  I was not a "sinner" per se.  I was not a criminal or a wayward soul.  I was a mother of two and a wife and a good one at that.  I made sure my kids were well taken care of and my house was in order and my husband was happy.  My obligations were met, I didn't beg of anyone for help, I did what it took to survive every day and be happy.  We were happy.  So I thought.  The underlying darkness of depression and life's losses still weighed heavily on me.  I would pretend daily that it didn't affect me.  Things in life would go wrong and I would blame myself or God for punishing me for something I didn't do.  I would look at those going to church each week, knowing they were just like me, living the same way I was and I couldn't understand why they went.  To me, they were using the church as a crutch.  I don't know.  I couldn't see past the people's need for interaction with others.  That's what it seemed like to me.  They weren't going seeking a connection with God each Sunday, they were going to show their faces and make friends and let their kids go to Sunday school.  No one in my life was living a life full of Christ though.  No one spoke about Him.  No one prayed like they should.  We prayed at dinner, but it was the kids prayer.  We love to hear the kids pray, but we weren't teaching them to pray for specific things in life or pray for others as they should.  We thought we were teaching them manners.  We were proud of our accomplishments.  But that didn't make us Christians.  It made us wannabes.  We wanted to be Christians, but we didn't want to be "those" Christians.  You know the ones, who preach to others, who talk openly about God and Christ and their feelings on the Bible.  Those things have become so taboo.  The conversations unheard of.  So very politically incorrect.  Our culture has worked on removing God out of our lives and we are allowing it.  We were saying to God that you are not real enough to us.  What can you do for us?  That is the mentality of the world right now.  What will I get out of it?  If I help you or if I do this, what am I going to get?  We don't do anything for free any more.  For the simple reward of doing it.  We want something in return.  If a relationship doesn't give us something in return, we cut it off.  If a job doesn't give us the promotion someone else got, we quit.  If someone else's life is going better than ours we talk about them behind their back and smile to their faces and use them for whatever resources life has given them that it hasn't given us.  We are the most needy we have ever been and its ok for some reason.  Most of us go to church, but most of us are not really Christians.  I know I was not.  I know for certain I have only been a true follower and believer in Christ since July 11, 2013.  That was the day He changed my life forever.  It is a day I will never forget.  It is a day, like the birth of a child, that will forever be burned into my brain.  His way is so amazing and is so much greater than any one of us could imagine.  I wish I could show each of you a glimpse of what He has shown me, just to share in the amazement I have been feeling.  It is truly the most humbling and wonderful experience and I feel so honored and blessed to have been chosen for a gift like this.  I feel honored to have the trials He has given me.  I never looked at my trials as something to be grateful for, but I truly am.  They have and they continue to mold me into the person Christ wants me to be.  His world is an amazing and beautiful place to be.  It doesn't include churches and rules and groups and such.  It includes a daily relationship with Christ and with God and committing yourself to that relationship and to nurturing it like you would any relationship that means something to you.  Of course there is nothing wrong with church and rules and groups and such and I will continue to participate in all of those things, but only because I like them, not because they make me a Christian.  I like going to church because I like listening to the experience of my minister and I love listening to our worship before the sermon.  I like meeting with my friends and family and talking about God and our thoughts about religion because it keeps my mind fresh and engaged and always seeking Him out in my daily life.  I will always read my devotional each day.  I have come to depend on it, for comfort, for guidance, for assurance.  It is the words of my life right now.  I challenge you tonight to find out what makes you a Christian.  Do you know?  Do you feel a true connection with Christ?  I promise that He is listening to all of us.  You may think your voice is going unheard, but it isn't.  He hears all of us and He is listening intently as though He is our best friend.  Once you let Him in the possibilities of your life are truly endless.  The comfort and love you will feel will overwhelm you and bring you to your knees.  I promise.  If you are struggling, as most of us are, He is there for you.  He wants you to know that.  He wants you to know that He has a plan for you and for you to trust in Him.  Your life will change and it will get easier.  He may not answer the prayer in the way you want Him to, but His plan isn't always our plan.  We just have to trust in Him and fully commit our heart and soul to Him.  I have and I pray for each of you every night that He shows you the same things He's shown me.  Love to all of you!!!!!

Experiences with Christ

Well, I have spent the last several days wondering whether or not I should post any of what you are about to read.  All of the things that are happening to me lately are far from belief if you are not a true believer, I suppose.  What you are about to read will shock you.  Especially coming from my lips.  It is so unbelievable, even to my own ears.  Had I not been experiencing it myself, I would certainly not believe it.  I am/have always been a skeptic.  As I said before, I was a truth seeker.  There are certain things that one cannot just trust, in my opinion.  The preachers on TV, the Benny Hinn's of the world.  Touch the TV screen and I will heal you.  Pray for riches and they will come.  I cannot believe in those things.  They are not truths.  If you choose to believe in that, it is your business and most certainly, none of mine.  Up until this day, I lumped all religion into that same category.  Religion is politics of a different sort.  Those that get into it have a need to rule and run things and will use God and the Bible to scare you.  I felt it was why the Bible was written so long ago, to scare those that would not follow a kings word or a priests church.  So much of the church has been tainted with sexual abuse and money making.  Churches are popping up like McDonald's, only more so because there are no zoning limitations from a corporate franchise telling you that you can't have one McDonald's next to another.  People are seeking a greater power.  They want to know that their miserable lives have meaning.  They have a need to hear that God is always watching and protecting us and if you do certain things, He will forgive you of all that you have done and continue to do.  They have a need for a community that believes the same things.  People telling people that they are the same.  They have a need to go to church on Sundays and pretend that they have done no wrong all week and are living a life that Christ would want them to, by being seen at church.  That is what religion has become.  A social event.  Come see what I'm doing for Christ.  I'm going to church each week.  I'm a door greeter, a group leader, a minister.  Come and follow me and I will show you the way and the light to ultimate forgiveness.  Touch the screen and I will change your life.  Donate to me and you will see.  Read my book.  Listen to my word.  We accept it because you can't fault anyone for trying to make things better, but in reality most of us despise it.  How can one person have millions of people listening to their words like they come straight from God?  Do these people have a connection with God?  The TV preachers?  I don't know.  How did they ever get so many people to believe that what they were saying was the truth.  It boggles my mind.  What made that one person special?  I don't know.

What I do know is this, I have been given a gift.  A gift of a personal experience with Christ.  I'm not sure why or how I was chosen.  I'm not sure if you will believe what I'm about to tell you.  It is the truth beyond all truth.  I have no agenda for writing this.  Other than that is what He's told me to do.  I have no means of profiting from this story and no wish to.  I have been given the untold riches you hear of when you accept Christ as your full guide in life.  I have been given an experience unlike any other and beyond priceless.  I am the richest woman in the world right now because of what has been given to me.  My heart is so full of love and forgiveness and that is the most rewarding and amazing feeling I have ever felt.  Ever since that first night of prayer, I have been filled with the Holy Spirit.  He has allowed me to be born again.  Those two words "born again" have become a joke in this world, made so by criminals and TV preachers.  But they really are true and real.  The true baptism is from Christ.  It happens.  It may not happen at church or in a line for Joel Osteen to dunk you into a bath tub, but it does happen.  He blesses and baptizes people every day.  Ordinary people, struggling with what life has given them.  He makes believers out of non believers.  His word, carried out by those people is what converts others to this faith.  It is why I'm chosing to share this with you.  He has converted me in the most beautiful way.  He places His hands on me each day and I trust that He will guide me through out the entire day and I will do what He wills me to do, no matter what.  At this point, as I am writing this, I feel as though I am making myself out to be a fool, if you choose to think so.  You may laugh at me, I may become the butt of the jokes, but it is ok, because I know what I know and I have experienced Christ rushing through my veins.  I have had an almost nightly experience with Christ.  I would call it an "out of body" experience.  I can see your faces now as you read that.  Some are in shock, some are laughing, some are concerned for my well being and sanity, and some are entrigued.  It is a supernatural experience, almost alien-abduction-esque, I suppose.  If I didn't know better, that's what I would think.  I was being abducted by aliens.  Me, the truth seeker, logical, non nonsensical, responsible, intelligent, stay-at-home mom/past corporate IT guru.  I am not on drugs or alcolhol.  I do not suffer from any sort of mental disorder.  I am overly aware of what you are thinking, because I am thinking the same things.  Am I crazy?  Have I gone off the deep end?  Is this a mid-life crisis?  Is something wrong with my brain?  Is it lack of sleep?  Is it lack of religion?  Is it stress?  Should I be committed?  Monitored?  Tested?  Something is certainly wrong, but so very right.  I don't actually believe all of those things.  Those that I've told in person don't actually believe any of those things.  No one is concerned around me.  They are all intrigued and watching and waiting for the next encounter.  Jesus is most certainly speaking to me daily, directly.  Through books, at night through lights and visions and via strangers.  It began the first night I prayed directly to God for Ben's safety.  I felt the electrical pulses rushing over me and through my veins.  As I said, I felt cleansed and purified, baptised by Jesus and the Holy Spirit on my son's bedroom floor.  Then after we came home, the small visions began with, what I can be sure of, is the telling of truths about my life.  He fed me tidbits about the happenings of the days I lost the twins and nearly died.  Things I didn't know, but others did.  He allowed me to have the courage to ask the questions I needed to and he gave me the questions I should ask.  Once I fully committed my life to Him, He took me by storm and started showing me He was real.  I appreciate Him.  I love Him.  More than I've ever loved Him.  He is a part of me.  A part of my family.  I would give anything or do anything for Him.  He has changed me.  He is challenging me.  There is no greater feeling in the world than the freedom that truly loving Christ with all of your heart gives you.

Heart

I have spent the last few days relishing in my new found freedom.  I haven't done much different with my daily living, except for accepting Christ and letting Him handle my struggles and problems.  Things are still happening every day.  I still have struggles, I still have pain.  We all do.  The difference in my existence is I pray about it each day, but I've learned to pray differently.  I used to pray all the time, asking God for help with this problem or fix that please.  Please let me no longer have struggles.  Please God, take away my pain.  Change this or fix that.  I was always asking for something, but I was not living up to my end of the bargain.  There was no trade off.  I wasn't willing to share my love for the Lord or even admit to it.  I didn't love Him.  He was adding to my struggles every day.  Every day it was something new.  And just when I thought I would get over one hurdle, three more would pop up in its place.  My stomach was always in knots and my head was always hurting.  Since writing this blog, I have come to realize a few things about myself that I didn't really think were there and I know and feel that this applies to almost all of us.  I am selfish.  I have been selfish.  With my feelings, with my time, with my energy, with my love, with my thoughts.  I had this image of myself that I was a compassionate person, I could understand people and I felt for them.  I am that, but I am also very selfish.  I would never give of myself to anyone.  I kept all of my feelings inside.  I let them torment me and tear me apart, never showing anyone that I hurting or felt misunderstood.  I have been through a lot in my short life.  I have been dealt the hand of infertility and loss, pain, both physical and mental and the ongoing struggle to figure out what is wrong with me.  And through all of that, I wasn't sharing.  I was only listening to other people talk about all of their problems and thinking to myself "why do they complain so much?  They don't know the meaning of pain.  They couldn't possibly understand where I was coming from.  All that I go through and I don't complain.  What good does complaining do?  It doesn't change anything.  Just deal with it and move on, but quit complaining!"  The "what about me?" in all of us irritated me to my very core.  I wanted to just scream when I would hear the complaints of others and their daily lives.  "What about me?", I was thinking in my head.  Did they not realize what all I had been through?  Had they forgotten what a tragedy my life was?  What about all of my problems?  Did they forget who they were talking to?  The queen of misfortune.  Nothing they could say, would "trump" my pain.  But still I wasn't sharing.  I was only masking the pain and not letting anyone know how much it affected me.  In my mind, I was trying to live positively, without complaint.   Yeah right.  Each day in my subconscious prayers, I was telling God that I was not willing to listen to anyone for the truth.  I was not willing to give Him my trust and faith and let Him truly help me.  It was one more burden of mine that I was misunderstood.  These were my babies that I had lost, the pain in my back was unbearable to only me, the struggle of life was only felt by me and no one got it.  I was counseling, but not sharing.  Showing empathy, but only assuming that people understood that I must know what I'm talking about since I had been through so much.  In the last few weeks I have come to realize that people want to hear what we don't tell them.  They want to hear that we struggle with the same demons as they do, day in and day out.  The fears of life that eat away at us.  We all feel alone in this world, because we don't share who we really are.  We are all embarrassed or afraid of what the other person might think.  I have been typing out my darkest secrets to allow people to read what goes on in my mind, but when it came time to face those people, I still clammed up and couldn't bare to talk about it.  The conversations were too hard.  The looks of disbelief or disappointment were too much.  I realized that I have been looking at God that way my whole adult life.  I couldn't have a conversation with Him because it was too hard.  I was looking at Him with disbelief and disappointment each and every day.  Those looks are hard to take and I was dishing them out all day, every day.  When I would pray, it would be in anger, not thanks.  I can only imagine what this would do to me if someone had done that to me.  Every time I tried to understand them or show that I am listening, all I got in return was anger.  Anger for the hard things they were going through, but no thanks for any of the good things I was being given.  I wondered how I would feel if someone had done that to me.  I would turn my back on them.  How could they be so ungrateful?  Don't they see what I am doing for them?  Don't they see the good in their lives?  That's how I lived my life.  Never giving thanks to God for all that He had given me.  Only calling on Him in my hours of need, never in my hours of happiness.  I started today's post with the intent of a message that people live their lives with a heavy heart.  Mine has been so heavy for so long.  It is an expression synonymous with sadness and anger, not happiness.  I have had the fullest heart, though since I have given my life back to Christ.  My heart has been overflowing with love and I don't mean in the figurative sense.  It is really physically full.  My blood is pumping, my heart is full.  It feels heavy, but not painfully heavy.  Happily heavy, I guess.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  My heart has never felt so full in all my life.  It's full of Christ.  It's full of the Holy Spirit.  It's a feeling of anxiety, but a feeling of calmness.  Each day I'm giving thanks for every thing in my life that I am grateful for and blessed to have.  I'm waking up with a sense of appreciation, not aggravation.  I am so thankful for the understanding He has given me.  The feeling of knowing that all of my suffering has been felt by so many, just as I have felt their suffering.  The ability to let go of some of those things and let others know that you feel their pain for you is transforming.  The ability to stop thinking about "why me?" and say, "yes, me too!" is freeing.  All of these feelings of judgement by others has left me.  I have only one judge, as we all do.  We should all be free to express ourselves and not feel ashamed of our feelings.  Quit apologizing to everyone for feeling a certain way or for calling on them when you need them.  Let people help you.  Let them into your life, into your darkest places.  They are longing to be there with you, to hold your hand.  But most of all let the Lord into your heart.  Let Him handle your pain and your struggles.  He has a plan for you that is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.  As you read this, you may be experiencing the worst grief, the worst anger, the worst pain imaginable, but there is something in your life that you can thank Him for.  I implore you to stop what you are doing and thank Him for that, even if it's only one thing.  Do it every day.  It will change you.  I promise.

Come bear witness

To say the last couple of days have been interesting is an understatement.  I have come to know things that I never thought possible.  I have not written in my journal, because for some reason, I felt like I should be reflecting on what was happening in my life, rather than sharing it.  If you follow me, you may have noticed a pattern in the timing of my writing over the last few posts.  I was writing in the early morning hours each day I felt compelled to write.  I was actually being woken up each night at the same time.  The last night I woke up like this, I had been reading some of the Bible on my app on my phone, the night before.  I had been reading Revelations, when I last looked at my phone, before getting the kids finally to sleep.  When I woke at the same time again that morning, I wasn't sure how to process that it was the exact same time.  I wondered if God was waking me up for a reason at 4:38.  I searched online for a way to decipher what was going on, as if God has some sort of handbook posted for us to google when we aren't sure.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for, or why I thought I would find it there.  I did find someone immediately who was waking up like me and she had gone through her Bible and written every verse that went with her time.  Bingo, that was it!  I would do that.  I opened my handy Bible app and rather than being on Revelations as I had left it, it was on the book of John.  I paid no mind to that and thought, I'll start at the beginning.  I went to Genesis, no 4:38, Exodus, Leviticus, no 4:38.  Numbers was the first to have a 4:38, but it made no sense to me what so ever.  I had a thought, why didn't I look at John, since my app was open to John and I had not left it there.  I am learning Lord, to be more open to You.  It reads, "I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored, and you have entered into their labors."  I decided to read the full chapter from the beginning and it reads of a story of Christ's encounter with a woman and how His knowledge of all her thoughts, words and actions and through the power of His word, He has made her believe.  I pulled up a commentary online to give me more perspective on it and it is as I thought.  I sit for a while, pondering the thought that, while I strongly believe at this point, I never thought I would be getting a direct message.  That made what was going to happen on Sunday all the more nerve wracking.  When speaking to my prayer minister at the new church the other day, she offered me a prophetic ministry session to perhaps hear the Word of God through those ordained to do so.  I immediately accepted on the phone, but as the time drew near, was becoming more nervous about it.  I knew nothing of this growing up.  I had no idea that the Methodist church offered such a thing, but I really felt I needed something, some sort of guidance and I guess a final proof that He is speaking to me directly, even if it's out of the mouth of someone else.  It would be the final punch to my years of disbelief.  After all that has happened, it was as though I had no other choice but to believe.  It was now fact, that these things were happening to me.  I was always a fact or truth seeker.  And now, it was a fact that I had experienced all of the amazing things I had, without provocation.  No one was coaxing me into religion, begging me to go to their church or trying to convert me.  He was converting me.  I just had to open up my heart to the fullest extent and believe and trust in Him.  I was learning.  As the nights moved on, I began to think of the day again and play in my mind what my nurse had written me in my email.  I was content to hear what she had said and I didn't feel the urge to dig deeper as she had suggested.  I actually trusted God that He would lead me to the answers I sought.  I felt deep in my heart that I was at the right place and felt that He was truly guiding me.  It was no longer an obsession to wonder about what happened.  I was being given the answers as they came to me, little by little.  My mom came over and brought a journal that she had written in years ago.  I was about what had happened during that time and how it had changed her soul.  She would never be the same.  She wanted me to read it and she told me, that while looking for things unrelated to this, she came across it.  She is doubting her doubts she said, because of all that is happening to me.  I believe that for a moment, I have read her mind and reached into her soul for my answers.  He was letting me feel her pain and understand it.  She told me it's as though He was telling me exactly what had happened those days, but she thought He had waited until I could handle it.  That she thought He had seen that I handled the situation with Ben with faith and He was ready to tell me what happened.  These words, coming from the most doubtful person I knew.  How was this possible?  She told me she didn't understand it all, and I said, that she didn't have to, because it was real.  It was really so very real.  I didn't sleep much that night or the next and only felt compelled to read different books in the Bible.  I have never been so eager to fill my head with knowledge.  I wanted to know everything I could in a short period of time.  I literally stayed up all night last night reading.  I had this vision of what I thought happened that day when I gave birth to my girls.  As I was unconcious for the procedure, I had no idea what happened and if anyone in my family had asked, they had not told me.  I knew that everyone trusted my doctor as I did and we would never question him, so I just couldn't see that happening.  He would come out of the operating room and tell them that I was very sick and struggling, but there would be no mention of the girls, as they all knew what had happened to them.  No one felt the need to ask the details or even had the desire to know the details, they were all concerned with my life.  I would have been the same way.  The details were that I had lost them and that was all.  It was not only something that has haunted me, but my mother as well, but she didn't have the courage to ask after so much time had passed.  I never spoke of it to anyone because it was so upsetting, so I felt as though I was alone in the whole grieving process.  I felt like I knew what had happened that day and it wasn't the gory details I had become so used to invisioning.  Those images haunted me always.  I felt the pain in my nurses email, that she knew I was searching for these things and that, by going to my doctor, I would finally get the truth.  I felt as though He was guiding me to that conclusion.  He lead me through the day and told me He knew when I had lost Audrey, just as I did.  He was there with her as they watched me struggle with the decisions I was having to make.  And He told me that Danielle was born alive and as she passed, He was holding her in His arms, cradling her and making sure she knew I was her mother.  She was not left to die alone.  He was always with us.  I could almost picture Him holding her up to me as I laid on the operating table, saying to me how beautiful she was, just as a proud father would have.  I felt comfort.  And most of all He let me know there was no more pain.  There never was any pain.  They were wrapped in His love and mine and there was no pain.  As I'm writing this out, I know it is so hard to read.  It is the hardest thing I have ever written in my entire life.  But it is necessary.  It is necessary to my healing, to my faith, to my Lord that I tell you all what He has done for me.  As hard as this is for some of you to read and for some of you to believe that I could actually feel this way, it is most important for you to know.  It is for you and I that I do this.  It is for your faith restoration too.  He wants me to tell you that He is real and He is true and He is good.  You should believe that, whether He speaks directly to you or not.  Open up your heart to Him and see what He will heal for you.

I woke everyone this morning, excited to go to church, but still anxious about the prophetic ministry.  Again, the ministers sermon was great and J and I enjoyed it.  I left the service and signed up for the ministry.  They invited me into an open prayer room with alters and spaces dedicated to different struggles.  I took my seat and looked up and I was directly in front of the space dedicated to the unborn.  I wept and prayed, but not uncontrollably, like I always had before.  I thanked God for doing this for me.  For allowing me to see it all.  I was taken back to the office where I sat with three women who were there to pray over me.  There were three of us to be ministered to and I was last.  They gave the other two women their prayers and thoughts and explanations of what God is telling them.  They came to me and could only give me scripture.  The first woman said she had no explanation for me, but she was compelled to give me these three verses.  She wrote them on my index cards.  Then the second woman told me I was beautiful and that she felt another verse and finally the same thing from the last woman.  Just a verse and I should go and look into it further myself.  That's what they all were being told.  No explanations.  I must admit, I left feeling a little down, because I hadn't been given an actual "plan".  Why I thought they would tell me what I was supposed to do, I do not know, but I did.  We went on about our day and when I got home I pulled out the cards they gave me to look up the scriptures.  The first card was written as such, 2. Jer 33:3, tell you what you don't know and 3. Rev 8:4 Your prayers go from angels hands to God and 1. Isa 58:8b & 9 Here I am.  The woman was very specific that I read them in the order she numbered them, not that she wrote them on the card.  "Here I am, to tell you what you don't know, your prayers go from angels hands to God."  I can't even type that out without my hands shaking.  I called my mom to tell her and I looked up the verses as I was on the phone with her.  I read them out loud and we sat in silence.  I moved on to the next card that said to read Psalm 42, My soul thirsts for the living God.  I read it, "Where is your God?" it reads, "why have you forgotten me?"  Again, I am in silence, then to the last card which says to read Jer. 29:10-14.  It reads "After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place.  For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive."

Just think on those words.  I know I have and I have prayed about them before I wrote this.  I cannot pretend that I was/am a person I am not.  I have sinned as all of us have.  I have been given a life with struggle as we all have.  In my absolute darkest hour, the hour I thought He was going to take my son from me, I went to Him.  It was truly the darkest hour I had ever experienced and I trusted Him.  He has given me my life back.  Praise God.

Calm

A feeling of calmness has come over me today.  After writing this morning's journal, I could sense a difference in my being.  I felt compelled to email my nurse again to tell her that she didn't need to respond to me.  I believed I found the answers I seeked and I felt as though I had placed a burden on her.  I wanted to release her from that burden.  I knew in my heart that she could not fulfill my need for answers.  God had done that for me.  I sent her a quick note, saying that I really felt that God had a plan for me and I would like her to read my blog, so that she would understand why I emailed her in the first place.  I told her that I wanted her to know that she played a huge part in one of the defining moments of my life and I thanked her for that.  Then I sent it and all at once I knew I had done what God wanted me to do.  It wasn't a little while later that I received an email from her, apologizing for taking so long to get back with me.  She said she had read the blog over and over and over and it was so hard to tell me what she was about to tell me.  She couldn't tell me the details of that day, because she still worked at the hospital and she feared that she would lose her job.  She urged me to speak with my doctor and to look through my files and said I would certainly find the answers to the questions I seek in there.  She also asked me to please know that her job that day was to help save my life.  All of her memories involve me and me alone.  She wanted to be honest and say that I was right and my husband was right.  I would have died, there was no question in her mind.  She thanked me for saying what an impact she made on me, and said that she always thought that we were the ones to make the impact on her.  She said she needed to end the email and send it before she chickened out and rewrote it for a tenth time.  I knew, reading that, that God had given me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.  And I was ok with that.  I am ok with all of it actually.  I don't think I valued my own life enough for all of these years to feel that it was as important as that of my childs.  But as I sit here and type, I have to wonder, were my parents praying the same prayers.  Please spare my child Lord.  Do not let her die.  We are all someone's child.  I can only imagine the desperate cries from my own mother that day.  In her mind, she was losing her baby.  I am ok.  I can only imagine what my husband must have been praying.  Please take me instead of her Lord.  It is the same prayer I would pray if the roles were reversed.  Let her pain be my pain Lord.  The experience we went through as a family has rocked us to our very cores.  It has broken us as a family, and as Christians over the years.  Not one of us has understood what the other went through that day.  The great grieving of loss and desperatation of saving a life.  We were all fighting a battle.  I may have been the sick one, but we were all fighting this battle to survive, to just stay strong enough to make it through.   I only wish I had then, the Lord's love in my heart as I do now.  I wish I could have fallen back on prayer and really trusted His plan for me.  I wish I would have had faith.  The beauty in all of this tragedy is that He is not going to waste one ounce of my grief.  He has given me a platform to speak and to help others with their pain.  I have gone through some of the hardest things in my life and I am grateful for those experiences now.  They have molded me into the strong, compassionate, empathetic woman I am today.  He will not waste the lives of my precious girls.  They will live on in this story and be an inspiration to other women out there going through this same grief.  I am so thankful for the 5 months He gave me with them.  The first true feelings of motherhood I ever felt and the love that is everlasting, even in death.  As I write, I know that I have the option of still talking with my doctor about all of this and as I write, I'm not sure that I need to.  I believe I have the answers I was seeking out.  I have walked through the fire of tragedy and relived a horrible experience and existence, but I have come out renewed.  I trust that what ever He wants me to do, is where I will be led and I am 100% ok with that.  In His most precious name, AMEN.

Stamp of Approval

My final seal of approval came moments after publishing the last journal.  I picked up my phone to search on Instagram for the Jesus Calling devotional for the day.  All that came up were the ones from the day before, but the first one was a new one.  I read it and thought to myself, this cannot be.  It reads:

Don't be so hard on yourself, I can bring good even out of your mistakes.  Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret.  This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration.  Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me.  Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.  Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes.  Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride.  Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in weaknesses.  Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me.  I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes.  Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do. 

Again, I am floored.  It really is as though God is speaking directly to me through this devotional.  I go get my book, so that I may take a better picture to post than the one on Instagram.  I open it to August 9.  It is not the devotional I just read.  It is about wearing His robe of righteousness.  I close the book without reading it, as I sit in disbelief.  I open it back and finish reading it.  I check today's date to make sure I am not looking at the wrong page.  I go back to my phone and their is the devotional posted a short time before with a different message.  This picture, though, was close up and did not show the date.  I can't believe what I am seeing.  In all of this, God finally got to a page in the book he didn't think fit me perfectly for what was happening right this moment.  So instead he sent me an Instagram.  How very high tech of Him.  I am posting the pic of the two, just so you can see I am not crazy hahaha!  This really is one wonderful ride!!

Forgiveness

Yesterday was a struggle for me, both good and bad.  After writing my journal entry, something came over me and I felt as though I was having an anxiety attack.  My heart was racing and pounding out of my chest.  It hurt.  I couldn't wrap my head around all that was happening to me.  I was overwhelmed.  I felt the need to text my dear friend that I told you about before.  The one I refer to in all aspects of religion.  I asked her to please read my blog, that I was overwhelmed and I was feeling the need to go up to the church to talk to someone about what was going on.  She text back and said she'd read it and call me.  My phone rang about 5 or 10 minutes later and she started to speak.  She instantly told me to go to Ephesians 6:10 and put on my armor of God.  She told me that she and her kids do this every day.  She actually gave me the kid version over the phone of what they say each morning and how she needed to put her breast plate on first, because her heart is her weak point.  Her son needed his helmet, because his mind was his weak point.  I knew right then to put my helmet on and I did.  We spoke about what to do about going to the church.  She suggested I call to make an appointment with the prayer minister and if she wasn't available, to give them a little bit about what was going on and let God put who is necessary to me in my life.  I called and left a message on the secretary's voicemail, to please have her return my call and gave her a little bit about what was going on.  I went to lunch with my mom and the kids and had a great time.  My mom and I laughed so hard we felt silly.  I don't remember laughing that hard or being that silly in a long time.  It was great.  We headed home and as we talked she said she wanted to look at something at Home Depot, so we turned around and headed back the direction from which we came.  We went in and I told her I wanted to redo a desk to go in my bedroom so we looked at stuff to do that.  During that time looking at paint and liquid sand paper, a thought entered my mind out of the blue.  My heart began to race again and I instantly pulled out my phone to text my friend.  I said, "I think that J told them we didn't want to see the babies" and hit send.  I text again saying the thought just entered my mind in an instant, but I couldn't shake it.  I knew it was true.  The more I thought about it, the stronger the feeling got.  She text back, saying I should pray about it, but that maybe he was the one who would unlock all of the answers I seek.  She said that this is one of the arrows she was talking about and I should listen.  I told her that I wasn't sure if J would tell me or not.  I was so upset the other night when we tried to talk and he was so upset with me about why I was doing this to myself.  I couldn't make him understand that I had to.  It was necessary.  God was leading me through this and there was nothing that could stop it.  She said she remembered how hard it was for him during that time and the phone calls to he made to her husband were so difficult.  She said she would ask him if he remembered anything that happened those first few days that may help me shed some light on this.  I said ok.  I started to instantly pray about how to approach my husband about what happened.  I wasn't sure if I should say something to my mom, but I finally did when we got back in the car.  When I was in the ICU, I remember my mom being in the room with me all of the time.  J stayed in the waiting room a lot with his family and a few of our close friends.  We weren't allowed to have very many back at once.  I insisted on no visitors, other than those who had to be there.  My husband, mother and mother-in-law, but truth be told, I didn't want anyone.  Everyone wanted to come up to see me in my hour of need and I sent them all away.  I couldn't bear the look of disappointment and sadness on their faces as they walked into my room.  It was all I could do to handle it myself.  I told my mom that I thought they asked J if we wanted to see them and she said there was no way.  She would have remembered.  I reminded her that she was always with me and he was out in the lobby a lot with a lot of time to be approached, without her knowing.  She sat in silence.  She didn't say another word about it.  The conversation quickly changed, because of the kids in the back seat and we went home.  She didn't come in, she went directly home, which wasn't like her.  I came in and immediately looked up Ephesians 6:10.  I needed my armor.  As I did, my friend text me that God will carry me through this.  I told her I needed to find some books that I could go to besides the Bible for comfort, since the only other religious book I had was my devotional.  I had already read that days and it was right.  It was though God was speaking directly to me through the devotional.  I needed something else to read to help me soak in more of Him.  My friend said she would be right over with books, but I offered to come there instead.  She said she had a library so I would be able to see everything.  We left right away and got there in a few minutes.  The kids were excited to be there, since they had never been before.  Her children scooped mine up and took them off into their rooms to play while we talked.  We couldn't get much said before my phone rang.  It was the church.  I quickly answered and it was the prayer minister on the other end.  She apologized for not getting back sooner and I said it was fine.  She wanted to just talk over the phone, because it was already so late in the day.  This was perfect.  I was with my dear friend, who would help me through the conversation and I could get all of this out right away.  I started to tell her everything that has gone on.  About how I feel called by God for some special purpose.  I told her my heart was overwhelmed.  I cried, but the words flowed out as they do onto this page.  I told her that I was anxious and that I was a cerebral person and I was scared to be led my heart not my head.  I told her what I thought was the truth about the babies.  I told her everything.  She couldn't believe what she was hearing.  She started to tell me that I was on the right path.  The path to His Glory and that His love was overwhelming.  She was glad I was open to it all.  She said it seemed as though I had been baptised.  I told her I actually wrote those words on my journal.  I felt as though I was given my own personal baptism.  She just kept saying wow.  She had words of encouragement, but then asked if she could pray over me.  I of course, said yes.  Her words flowed, and at first were the beginnings of a lot of prayer, with scriptures and such, but then it was as though He took over what she was saying and she began to just talk like normal, but faster than she could get it all out.  She asked Him to guide me and help me as she thought I would be speaking to the masses about this story.  I layed my head in my hand as tears rolled down my face.  She started to speak of all the people He would lead me to to help.  Those who've lost children and faced infertility yes, but so, so much more.  I cried and cried.  She prayed for a long time over my husband and my kids and my extended family and then finally slowed down and wrapped up with amen.  I echoed the same words and right then, she told me that she loved me.  She said I do not know you, but I love you.  I love you deeply already.  I left my friends with a few books and came home.  I was overwhelmed by it all and as J got home, I could see he was tired.  We left to run errands and things were ok, but by the time we got home, we were arguing a bit.  We went to our respective corners of the house, like boxers in a match when the round is up.  I started to pray right then.  I knew why I was upset.  I wanted to know if he was the reason I did not get to see my babies.  I didn't know how I was going to ask him.  My friend had given me Heaven is for Real to read, so I started and I couldn't put it down.  It was my story written by someone else.  It was like reading everything that I've been writing in this journal.  So many similarities in the back story.  I read through it so quickly.  Quicker than I've ever read through a book.  I got the kids settled and in bed and decided I was going to ask my husband for the truth.  I went in and asked.  I think he was almost expecting it, by the way he looked at me.  He said he honestly couldn't remember, but he didn't think so.  I told him I wouldn't hold it against him, that I would understand.  I wasn't sure if that was true or not, but I wanted to know the truth from him.  He began to tell me what happened that day and how our doctor came out to tell him he was sorry that he was going to have to do this, but I was going to die if he didn't.  J said it was all over his face, that he was serious.  He really thought I was going to die.  He told the doctor to please keep me alive because he needed me desperately.  Our doctor of course said he would do everything he could.  When I came through the procedure, I was clinging on for life.  He just kept saying he wasn't sure if they asked him or not, but if they had he would have told them no.  It was all he could do to handle the possibility of losing me, but holding the babies too, he couldn't bear.  Then he said this.  I was so scared that what if that was the one thing that made you stop fighting to live.  What if it made it worse for you and then you died too.  I was crying and I told him it was ok and I understood, but I still really only needed to know if they were hurt during the procedure.  I felt that knowing that would heal me.  He still couldn't understand why I would want to know the details.  Why I couldn't just remember the good of the pregnancy and live in that.  I told him that I just couldn't and that I was sorry we were going through all of this again, but I was healing and it was necessary.  We were ok and apologized for arguing.  Neither of us wanted to fight.  As I laid back down with the kids, to get them to sleep as they were restless.  I still had my phone with me and I was eagerly waiting the return email from my nurse whom I had emailed the night before.  I still hadn't received anything.  I finally gave way to sleep and dreamt that I kept leaving my baby at home all the time and forgetting about it completely until I would get home and there it would be, in my bed.  I say "it" because I could never figure out if it was male or female.  Every time it would be crying, but as soon as it would see me it would be so happy that I was home.  I can't tell you how many times during that dream that I left because I forgot about that baby, but when I returned, there it was, happy to see me.  I woke up again about an hour ago and reached for my phone to see if I had any new mail.  Still nothing.  My mind instantly went to my dream and how real it seemed.  How happy the baby was that I was home.  My mind went to my husband and in a split second it all made sense and I forgave.  I realized that when you are forced to make a decision for a loved one who is ill and cannot make the decisions for themselves, you do what you think is the best thing for them.  You do what you think is going to keep them alive.  That's what he did.  I imagined him in that waiting room, trying to make these decisions without me and how hard that must have been for him.  I knew he had made the right choice right then and there.  I knew, because if he had agreed to let me hold my babies I know I would have given up my fight right then so that I could be with them.  I know that he knew that.  He did what was necessary to keep me alive.  And look where we are.  Happily married for almost 20 years, with 2 beautiful children that are our very own miracles.  God has walked me through this.  Jesus has held my hand and the Holy Spirit has rushed through my veins, carrying me on this journey.  I forgave and for the first time, knew that I didn't need to see them.  I knew what they looked like.  Our babies are exact images of one another.  We have a collage picture where you can't tell them apart.  It is the mold we make as a couple.  That is what our babies look like.  Just like that mold.  I can see them in my mind and feel them in my heart and I know that they are so happy.  I love my husband dearly and trust him with my life and know that, in the event of an emergency, he will make the right choices for me.  I have never doubted that.  I just never looked at what happened as that situation.  He did exactly what I would have done.  And I love him for it.